Feb 28.
9.26pm




I FINALLY GOT A TASTE OF SINGAPOREAN FOOD! I took two buses and travelled an hour just to get a taste of the food I miss, CHICKEN RICE! Haha. Not bad not bad, it kinda tasted a little different, but still CHICKEN RICE! And omg, that cup of ice lemon tea is the FIRST one that actually tastes like lemon tea(or must I say the first lemon tea drink that actually has A taste).



The lemon tea tasted so good and so refreshing, i bought another one! I swear I could have orgasmed there and then la! I MISS SINGAPORE FOOOOOOOD. Even the aunties who were there were like the aunties you see in coffeeshops who speak and cantonese and broken english. Man, what a familiar and soothing feeling..... Oh yah, the chilli sauce tasted soooooooooooo good! The aunties were wondering why I was alone and eating at their place though, cause the rest of their customers were all old chinese people from china.

Speaking of china people, I saw the prettiest China girl I've ever seen so far. At least she looked china-ish to me, or maybe she's korean. hmmm....

Anyway look at what I got.



90 tablets of 800mg strong medicine. I think it's equivalent to 4 panadol tablets? It's to help me kill myself, just pop in 5-10 tablets and I'll be sleeping beauty forever. And I got it for only 10 bucks.

Don't ask me what they're for. I'm depressed that's why I need 90 tablets (&maybe more if doctor says so).

/edit
March 1
2am.

side effects are on me now, one of my eye just swelled up(or maybe its just the almost naked babe i saw on myspace). LOL.

i wonder, i really wonder why...
jena got me thinking.
lol.

Feb 27.
6.30pm


I hate in-betweens.
I hate not knowing the whole story.
I hate this feeling i'm feeling.
I hate myself for even allowing everything to just pass me by.
I hate not being able to solve my problems.
I hate I hate I hate.


I'll let you guys into my private entries someday.

Feb 27.
9.36am.

I'm feeling so cold, and it's not the weather.

Feb 27.
1.06am.


I wept like a bitch yesterday while reading all my farewell letters. It kinda made the ink run on some of the letters. Just goes to show how I'm really not okay down here. Been locked up in my room for going 48 hours now.


Guess I really am a martyr just like Jena always called me. Very slow of me to have just realised.


but i can't hang upon no lover's cross for you

Feb 26.
2.18am.


does anybody know what it's like
to feel larger than life
to look deep in your soul
and know you're not alone
does anybody know how it feels
to find something that's real
and make it your own
that's when you know that you found home


If that's the case, I guess I'm nowhere near home.

This may sound super childish, but life totally sucks (again).

Went to Daly City today to attend a family friend's wake. We passed San Francisco on the way and damn, the city's beautiful(at night only). The bay was beautiful too from the San Mateo bridge. Too bad, there wasn't enough time to visit the Golden Gate Bridge. Guess I'll drive by there on my own once I get my car, it's only an hour's drive anyways.



More like, South San Francisco The Gay City. heh.

Saturady Morning.

I think I'm a (VERY) good sister. I gave my brother my new A&F boxers because I felt guilty for not getting him a birthday present. And I loved those boxers please ): But nevermind, I love my brother more. I'll just get myself better ones! Hurrrr but I still feel like taking them back from him.


Anyway, I'm blasting Chris Daughtry's 'Over You' over and over again, and my brother's starting to roll his eyes everytime it repeats. I don't even know why I like the song.


-

I was all dressed up in a hot pink top and white shorts today when I got out of the room and found out we were attending a funeral. Damn. I had half the mind to go in bright colors but mom started blabbering, but its okay I started singing the indian version of twinkle twinkle little star and she shut up....but I still went to change into darks (which I noticed I had very little of). I need to buy dark tops.

Feb 23.

I asked Sarah why she's still together with me now, although there's so many others down there who have the same qualities that I have. I mean, it wouldn't make sense to have me because I'm cute because there are tons of other cute people in Singapore right? Like wouldn't it be more logigal if she was together with someone who isn't 8000 miles away? It would save her all the pain/loneliness that she has to go through if she were with me and she'd get to spend time with the person anytime, anyday. I mean, how great can I be, that no one in Singapore has the same qualities or features that I have, man? Haha.

Anyway, like I said I was asking her, and you know what she told me?

Sarah : I love you because you're the only one who'd attempt to break up with me just because I didn't study.


-_-"


I thought I was gonna win the 'lamest/stupidest reason for a breaking up with someone' award, last week. But well, of course I'm not so dense, there's just a whole lot more to that story. I'm not sharing. Bleah.

Omg. After months of craving for Singaporean food(chicken rice especially!), I finally found a place which sells authentic dishes from Singapore. Most surprising is, I've been visiting the place ever since the time I moved here! The place's just well hidden, if not for the Filipino couple(they used to live in S'pore too!) I chatted with in the Filipino shop where I buy calling cards at, I'd have never known that a Singaporean foodplace existed near my area!

Damn. I really should start talking to the people around me. Who knows what else I might discover!

Anyway I got a haircut (finally after my last one three months ago). I think that's the longest time I waited before cutting my hair. And oh, the hairdressers here are as bad (most of them are asian chinese women), and I still get very uneasy whenever I get my hair cut. And as usual, I got a very ugly haircut (I don't think there ever was once when I was satisfied with my hair cut).

Bleah. My face is FAT, as if it wasn't bad enough then. Uggghhhhh.

and i wanna make it with you.

Feb 20
12.53am.

The parents are finally taking some time out to spend time with their kids. I've got the television to thank for that. Like seriously, I agree to more quality time spent with the family. My siblings surprised me when they too, agreed to that. So yeah, we're stressing the parents to come up with plans for Saturdays and Sundays. It's boring just being at home, and I think the folks need to be out and about more often.

They brought us to the nearby park today. Lake Elizabeth to be exact. Amazing place, didn't think anything like that would exist five miles from my place. The lake's so pretty (especially with the mountains in the background)! Just like the ones I saw in New York. Damn. The parents promised we'd go boating in there in Spring (: I'm gonna drop by the library sometime soon, grab a few books and head to the park with a blanket or something, its a great place to just lie around and read a book at. I've got tons of ducks and squirrels to keep me company. And who knows man, I might get to know a few people. Lots of people visit the place anyway, they go there to jog,fish,picnic(we did that today!), and there's the skate park and ten tennis/basketball courts. Lots of people I can make friends with.

I can spend time chasing squirrels and feeding the ducks! By the way, squirrels are stupid. That one up there came so near to me because I was holding my hand out. I didn't even have any food with me. Haha. Cute stuff.


-

Talked to Cherish today. I guess I'm not the only one who thinks I've changed while I was here. She thinks the same for herself too. And I'm glad we both agree that our change is for the better. I guess many others won't understand how we think now, but who cares! We're both gonna be studying hard and leading swell lives in future man. Hard work definetaly pays off. Can't wait to get back to Singapore with you Rishie!!!

--

I'm on the verge of entering singlehood.

Feb 18.

Stepdad chopped off branches of the tree in the backyard, using a butcher knife. At the end of it all, the butcher knife didn't look like a butcher knife anymore. Brother and him spent at least five hours outside trying to put the basketball pole/ring/hoop together.

I'm gonna be shooting hoops alone when the kids are in school and the parents at work (:

Feb 17.

I feel like an elephant. I ate more than fifty calamari rings today and I'm not gonna start listing what else I've consumed. Lets just say its ALOT.

and I probably gained ALOT of weight again. That's it, I'm gonna double up my work out for next week. Hopefully I don't die.

Nothing much to talk about. Oh, today's the first time I actually perspired here in the States! The sun was up all afternoon and I totally enjoyed it while uh cleaning the backyard. I think if I go back to Singapore, I'm gonna have nose bleeds because of the heat again, and I'll probably sweat the moment I'm under the sun.

Spring's coming though! I love the idea of it. Flowers are starting to bloom, things are starting to become more colorful outside. And I really had enough of the cold, seriously.

I'm really looking forward to school and working as a nurse (:

Oh, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!

Feb 14.


Today marks my fourth month here and so far.....

- I'm still friendless."
- Still schooless.
- I'm dying to get back to Singapore.

Whatever.

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day one and all! I spent my day being the usual bum that I am. Went out for two hours to get some calling cards. The bus was the most crowded today, everyone who boarded the bus came up alone. I guess they're just like me, losers. Haha.

My siblings came home with their bags filled with chocolates and Valentines Day cards. Bummer. Well, but they offered me their stash and said I could have as much as I wanted. Awww (: Things weren't as bad, Mom came and stained my cheek with disgusting lipstick, I got to talk to my girlfriend, and lots of Valentines day messages from my friends back in Singapore. I'm happy (:

And tomorrow I'm paying a visit to my future school (hopefully they accept me!). I have a good feeling about the whole thing, the lady who picked my call had a very sweet voice and I suspect she's a young filipino. She called today to remind me about tomorrow (: I just found out too that the school was started by a filipino, and most of the instructors are filipino. Omg filo pride! Hahaha. I just hope I get (some) classmates who aren't at least twice my age. But then again, if I suck up enough to the adults, they might introduce me to their kids. BWAHAHAHAHA. Can't wait for tomorrow (:

Feb 11 '07 8.30pm (singapore)
Feb 11 '07 4.30am (fremont)


I just had the deepest conversation with Jena about life. Oh my God, what an achievement! We're MATURING!!! WAHAHAHAHA. But yeah, it's amazing how life works man. And I love Jena to bits! In all honesty, if I've to lose everyone but one, she's the one I wouldn't want to lose. Love her alot alot alot and I guess only the two of us would understand the friendship that we have.

There were many times when I've taken her for granted and I hurt her. Yet she still stuck around, I'm not gonna let my second chance slip away again. Love you jena!( I know you're rolling your eyes at this bitch)

Feb 11 '07 4:31pm (Singapore)
Feb 11 '07 12:31am (Fremont)


With all things said and done, things will never be the same again.

Reality hurts.

-

And if keeping problems from me, so I won't be overly concerned, is the best decision.
I respect that.

Singapore time / date: 5:05pm / Feb 10
Fremont time / date: 1.05am / Feb 10

I need to buy myself a notebook. I need to be able to express my feelings and emotions fully. Blogs are never private enough no matter how much you try to hide your entries, saving them on drafts are a big risk cause blog accounts can be hacked into in a matter of minutes.

I couldn’t contain stuff any longer, I poured them onto two sheets of my leftover NYP 'foolscap' paper. Not gonna elaborate on what’s written. The most frequent words used being 'screwed', 'disappointed', 'lost', 'different', with a couple of 'I don’t know' and 'sighs'. Go figure.

if everyone cared and nobody cried
if everyone loved and nobody lied
if everyone shared and swallowed their pride
we'd see the day when nobody died


Don't you guys ever wonder what happened to the friends you guys have lost contact with? I do. I often wonder how many have become successful, how many are not, how many are married, how many got pregnant, and how many are already in their rest beds.

My guess is that I'd have at least known one who goes under each of those categories up there. But I guess I'll never really know either.


-

The world's such a cruel place.
If only I could do something to make things better.

--

I need to find myself a Catholic church soon. I feel like facing the confession box, the box that i haven't been to in the past 10 years, the box that I've always feared because I have too much to say I don't know where to start, also because I'm afraid of what the priest might say. I need to confess and start anew.

Since I've so much time in my hands, I'm gonna use it wisely and start salvaging all the friendships that I've neglected in the past.

Everyone has something to offer, no matter how small they are. Just because people are ugly, or stupid, fat or maybe just unpopular, you discard them and deem them useless. Everyone has something to offer and I'm gonna learn to appreciate them no matter how small they are. Cause a little goes a long way, and who knows you might be the only person who makes their day.

I don't care how much some people think that my friends are losers just because of their physical imperfections. I'm gonna be a friend to those who have none. Cause those who have many, to them you might be no one. They've got too many friends, they won't have trouble throwing you away.





HAHA.
oh well, just plain old shallow louise trying to sound deep.
but yes people, please treasure the people around you, every single one of them matters (:

To err is human.
and i guess its them who has to go through and face their own consequences.

Therefore, I shall learn to give people second chances.

Something's bothering me. Its making my head hurt so bad. I'm not gonna share it with you guys cause it probably will sound very stupid. Maybe I should learn to forget and move on sometimes. Maybe I should learn how to be even more content with my life right now.

I remember this issue bothering me last August/September, and I wrote about it in my old blog. It never was published though. Those thoughts are only for my eyes and mine alone thus they stay in my drafts. I don't know why they've resurfaced once again. This sucks.

I think I have too much time in my hands. And its bad, its so bad because it leaves me here all alone thinking of many redundant things that leaves me depressed/lonely/sad/angry most of the time. I wish I was back in Singapore tackling the exams instead, facing the oh-so-dry Sociology notes and being stuck in the library. They're so much easier handling.

Sigh.
I'm gonna go and write in my drafts once again.

The rain's pouring outside, I'm here sitting in the dark, listening to OPM(Original Philippine Music), and just letting my mind go wild with thoughts i.e. I'm emo-ing. OPM never fails to make me feel like this, with all their old love songs and covers of some of the greatest hits in the world. The music just kinda takes over your head and all your emotions, it gets you feeling all down and happy at the same time, it makes me feel good.

Right now, my head's filling itself up with ''what ifs'' and many ''i wonder'' questions. Stuff like what the future holds, and like how things would be different now if i'd have treasured more of my friendships back in Singapore. There's the curiosity that's urging me to open my mouth to ask mom about my dad and their story. Finally the question of what I'd be now if things didn't go the way they did.

My guess is that I'd still be in the Philippines, with the best grandma in the world who calls me her own daughter, with my two male cousins who I consider my brothers, and the terrible fate of being poor. But I guess I'd still be happy, cause as long as your in the Philippines, poor but around your loved ones, you'd still be happy.

Simplicity. I miss that.


------

Okay on a lighter note, to all the peeps who're gonna get their O level results tomorrow : BEST OF LUCK, HOPE YOU GUYS DID WELL, AND........join nursing!
WAHAHAHAHA JOKES! ALL THE BEST PEOPLE!

and to the poly peeps, especially my nursing loves, HAPPY STUDYING GUYS! (:


i miss school

My girlfriend just called and told me that there's a(n) (ahlian) shop at Far East called Louise which sells bags, and so I've decided that I do not want to be called Louise anymore. My name from now on is Gerardette (:

but my girlfriend thinks that its too long and she's asking whether she could call me 'G' instead. Boohoo please. Like she doesn't love me enough to spare some extra saliva pronouncing my name, and it's only 1/5 of my full name man. She thinks I'm annoying too.

I feel so unloved ): and I can't even flirt because she says I'm gonna die the minute I step into Singaporean soil if i do. Die laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I can honestly say that I haven't flirted/been flirting while I was here, but she already wants to kill me ):

And oh, sandwiches at Subway in Singapore are going at 10 cents today because I heard it was their 10th anniversary or something but bloody hell there's like Subway everywhere here in the States and everything's still at its normal price!?! (Wahhhh. I sound like a cheapo, and not like I eat alot at Subway, but yeah. NOT FAIR PLS!) Geees. This country I'm in really sucks. And maybe I'm just really very bored right now.

I'm gonna call my girlfriend and annoyyyyyyyyyyy her!
YEHEYYYYYYY (:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!

I have japanese blood! Just as I suspected man. No wonder I looked so jap when I was young, no wonder mom always told me I looked japanese. My dad has freaking japanese blood! Damn, I'm smart.

Just got of the phone with my cousin. All thanks to her, I know a little bit more about my dad. I'm amazed though, everyone including my cousin knew about everything from the start and they did a very very good job of keeping it from me. Too bad, everything's out of the box now.

My dad has the same name as me, Mari Louis Gerard. He's part japanese and I look just like him! My cousin says he's here somewhere in the States too! OMG. My life is sooooooooo interesting (hahaha to me at least).

Everyone thinks I'd be bumped to find out that my dad(now) isn't my real dad and that I don't actually have a real father, but hell no, its the best news i've had so far please. At least I know I have a good-looking dad out there who I'm sure still thinks about me and who wishes to meet me one day and that the man I'm calling 'dad' now isn't my real one because he's a bloody loser who I'm so ashamed of.

BLEAHHHH.
omg i've japanese blood!!!!!

Doesn't mini-me look Japanese? Maybe Chinese? Sure didn't look Filipino to me (but hey, i've got filo pride man!).

Just finished watching Freedom Writers, online. That's another movie that's got me crying man. And another movie to tell me that I'm such a lucky kid, that even if my life's so sucky and so complicated and just so negative, I'm still considered lucky. Damn lucky.

I feel so inspired again suddenly. Like after listening to Brother Jon preaching, and after watching Freedom Writers, I wana start taking life more positively again. And I really wana join the Peace Corps when I'm older (:

-

If you're bored, check http://peekvid.com/ out, there's Tv shows, Cartoons, Movies, Anime, and Asian Drama shows in there!


editted/


hahaha. the picture one top's gay. was taken from the car on our road trip to san diego.

anyway, i'm thinking of fixing this place up and writing in here. my livejournal's kinda dead now and i figured you people come here more often than LJ, so yeah. give me a few days, hopefully it'd be done by then.

I left home for the first time in weeks today. Mom wasn't convinced I was, since I always told her I was going out but never actually did so, but yesterday I FINALLY LEFT THE HOUSE!

I swear, yesterday was like ' burning calories in the cold' day. How ironic. I think I actually walked at least 10 kilometres yesterday. I was so afraid i'd miss my bus so I like brisk walked a whole kilometre going uphill. In the end I still missed the bus so I ended sitting by the traffic light smiling at drivers who smiled at me while they waited for the traffic light to turn green.

The mall was boring and I painstakingly walked the WHOLE round (that alone must have been 1.5km long) hoping i'd find a store where I could develop pictures at. None please. I didn't have to mood to shop for clothes alone so I left after having lunch.

I knew of a store that developed pictures near my place but I didn't know which stop to alight at. So me being a super kan chiong spider, rang the bell early because I thought I arrived at the place. When I alighted, I started swearing loudly at myself because I couldn't see the place AT ALL. I counted FIVE bus stops before I reached the store.

Imagine how angsty I was when I got home. I didn't achieve anything but sore legs.



But nevermind, I now know what riding the stupid bus feels like. And i'm going to the library next week!!!