how does it feel like throwing homework aside for the whole night and just snuggling in bed with a good movie?

The best thing on earth at this point of my life!
I didn't touch a thing related to school although I have my unwritten English essay on recycling, today. Screw that for a day, I'll rush through it during my 3 hour break later. Across the Universe was all worth it! If anyone's a big fan of musicals, english accents, or the Beatles, please go catch the flick!

Now it's time I get ready to get back to my life (school).

She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still, you don't regret a single day.

I don't think I know how to get back into the dating scene anymore. I'm growing older and people don't just fall for an almost-nineteen-year-old who acts like a kid, anymore. Flirting through text messaging is getting old; everyone's too busy managing their lives to be talking on the phone all night. Add in the fact that my romantic meter reads ZERO, my charm's worn off, and the ability to converse with people smoothly is gone with the wind. It would have been good if I was either smart, rich, good-looking, or even three put together, but I'm not. So i guess all that is going to guarantee me nothing if I ever talk myself out of singlehood.

Anyhoo, coming to the academic part of my life, (which is like 99.9999% of my life just by the way) I am proud to say that I've increased my concentration span toward my studies 5 folds! I am now capable of sitting down five hours straight and doing my work without getting distracted and giving up on my books. *pats my back* Manuel from my math, english, and chemistry class insists that I'm masochistic, and in many ways (now that I think about it,) I think he's right. Then again, the thought of getting good grades is good enough to make up for the fact that I've lost my social life AND any chances of having a love life. Oh well... *pats back somemore*

Oh, and someone up there seems to be playing a huge mean trick on Manuel too; the poor guy's only fallen madly in love with three different girls through out his life, and all of them turned out to be hardcore lesbians.

hey mr. curiosity is it true what they've been saying about you
are you killing me?
you took care of the cat already
and for those who think it's heavy
is it the truth
or is it only gossip
call it mystery or anything
just as long as you'd call me i sent the message on did you get it when i left it
see this catastrophic event
it wasn't meant to mean no harm
but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
love is a mystery
mr. curious...

come back to me
mr. waiting ever patient can't you see
that i'm the same the way you left me
in a hurry to spell check me
and i'm underlined already in envy green
and pencil red
and i've forgotten what you've said
will you stop working for the dead and return
mr. curious well i need some inspiration
it's my birthday and i cannot find no cause for celebration
the scenario is grave but i'll be braver when you save me
from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
and love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please do come and find me, oh
find,find me, find me

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
trying not to ask why
cause love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please do come and find me

love is blinding when the timing's never right
oh who am i to beg for difference
finding love in a just an intstant
well i don't mind
at least i tried, well i tried, i tried...

Mr A-Z i feel you.

@.@ my seatmate in math class is lesbian, my used-to-be-seatmate in stats class is also lesbian, and my chemistry labmate is ALSO lesbian! i am actually surrounded by lesbians! why doesn't anyone come talk to me and become my lesbian friend here in america? losers (i can't be counted as one because they're all femmes and i found out through myspace).

anyways, im tired of not having a single lesbian friend here. club day today and God must have sent me a line because i saw a booth and by the booth sat this nerdy geeky dorky bespectacled guy (ok ignore the guy) but omg Gay Straight Alliance! plus omg rainbow flag (: hahahah totally signed up but so disappointing to see only one name before me on the sheet. time for me to get out of my already opened closet!

signed up for peer mentoring club too, time to start working on my social life! signed up for business club too!! hahaha i don't know why i signed up for that club actually... i think i'll just let them call and email me and i won't reply!

first time i am heading to bed before 10pm on a weekday (or actually any given day).
going to bed so that i can stop fiddling with my phone and persuading myself that a text message would do no harm. also so that i would stop going to msn and hoping she'd miraculously be there although i know that she's in school sitting for a paper.

goodnight world.

flip unflip flip unflip flip unflip.
and i succeed in keeping everything in for another day.

now i even have to restrain myself from typing out unnecessary messages on my phone because i know that i will succeed in pressing the send button, and end up realizing that i made the wrong move only after the moving envelope on my screen had stopped moving.

-

bad things that happened today:
- i left a 20 point question blank on my math test.
- i left my glasses at home.
- darlene wasn't in school today
- i was having such a bad day i bought myself two orders of curly fries, a bowl of kimchi noodles, and ranch dressing to go with the curly fries.
- left my thumbdrive in the library and only realized two hours later when i was all the way down at hyman hall.
- i'm going to have a breakout soon.

not so bad things that happened today:
- S (from math class) needed a pencil during the math test so i lent her mine.
- S (from chemistry lab) said that she's started liking chemistry the first time in her life, because of me.
- realized that i do have quite a lot of friends in school now.
- (okay this so didn't happen today but it made me smile alot) someone sent my facebook pet a miniature pet yesterday and i know it may be like "okay....lame..." to you but it seriously made my day.

i write like shitxzxz because me so in loveeeeee.

as i spy at the lesbian couple from chemistry class sitting at the back of the lecture hall, from the corner of my eye, i cannot help but feel a certain longing in my heart. with one of them resting her head on the other's shoulder, mannn that could be you and me!

this is where the tough parts begin.

-
in other news that does not involve love (or the lack of it), mom sent me this today, "make sure that your haircut is more presentable or we'll have something to fight over again." i should have replied something like "but i love fighting with you (over my hair)" because it wouldn't have made a difference... i walked to the car with a (not very) presentable new hair. then she was watching american idol and she saw the two gay guys hairs (danny's and the blonde guy the one who said something about ellen degeneres) and she said she'd be more than happy if i did my hair like those guys.... hmm ohkayyy???

i'm a failure when it comes to words. how sad.

(actually i know i'm a failure when it comes to many other things)

the first few weeks, symptoms start to show. you dismiss the thought reassuring yourself that its just the common headache and nausea. few more days go by, the symptoms ellevate; you start to have your doubts. you confront yourself and build up the courage to take the test hoping, wishing, praying there won't be a color change - POSITIVE. you panic, "this is so wrong, this isn't supposed to be happening." you calm yourself down brainstorming for alternatives; being an anti-abortion activist, you strike your only alternative off the list (of 1). with no choice but to carry the ghastly truth, you vow to keep shut until the very last.

the first trimester goes fine, you count yourself lucky cause you still get to wear your tight sexy clothes. half the second trimester flies by and you emerge with a new dress sense. add two more weeks and the inevitable starts to show. you don't give up there, you try to come up with feeble excuses when people around you ask about the distinct weight gain. you lock yourself in your room after that hating yourself for denying the truth and lying to everyone. you're lost, you get impatient with yourself, "to tell or not to tell? what's the use of hiding it, soon it'll be impossible to hide anything!" stubbornly, you decide to hold your secret in till you couldn't hold it any longer.

the beginning of the last trimester starts, you thank your lucky stars that you haven't grown any bigger. that doesn't solve the problem though, the life inside you still pretty much exists and is very much alive. you pray to god you can just give birth without anyone knowing, give the baby up for adoption and go on with life pretending nothing like that ever happened to you. you set your mind on that thought, and you're mildly comforted. "it's just a passing phase, it's going to disappear, it's not forever...."

the 30th week arrives, you tell yourself "all is going to be over soon," but who would have known that you'd be in your dining room gorging food down (so as to justify your obvious change in body shape to your family) when you suddenly realized that you've pissed on your pants. "wait, did i just pee on myself?" the question flashes in your head for a second, and then..."ZOMG MY WATERBAG BROKEEEEEEE I'M CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!!!!" you scream...

...and your secret's out of the bag.
(and you go on to suffer the consequences)

The End.

I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait, will you?
My ideal plan for this semester at school - make yourself as busy as possible, time will fly!
So, on top of my overloaded school work, I landed myself three extra hours of organizing work on tuesday nights from 7 to 8 and friday 1.45 to 3.45. My ideal plan is pretty much in place, but I didn't ask for my grades to go downhill too. My first test results are out and they're B-minus averages. Screwed I tell you.

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, let the cold winds blow

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you.

oh my gosh i have a fourteen year old classmate in my biology class.

for a moment i missed my bushy unibrow.

my eyebrows lost their virginities today. getting them waxed, threaded, and plucked; definitely an experience! plus endless laughter with the couple (edward and dorothy) and darlene. dorothy and darlene reminds me alot of jena and tami (my besties!!!)

i never thought my valentines day this year would turn out so special! although dateless, i had so much fun! i wish every valentines day would be like this. happy happy happy louise :D

oh! steph and i are totally clueless about the lectures for chemistry and we gave up. we spent the period talking about her jerk bf and how people love to stereotype nice looking people for someone who has had tons of relationships. poor her, if i'd known her guy was gonna ditch her on vday for full day at the arcades, i'd have brought something for her.

-
really had so much fun today! i hope everyone had a good 14th of February this year(!!!!) cause i did :D

i think if i died today, i'd be the happiest dead person.

mission accomplished! and i owe it ALL to ms. cai and her friend who made everything happen. although not what i expected it to turn out like, still perfect! :D thank you again, i don't know how i'll ever get myself to stop saying thanks to you, but yes, thank you so so so much!!!

yayyy i have plans for valentines day!
gonna get my brows done for the first time with the girls, then we're heading to tim's place in the evening to catch some flicks! heheheh not going to be spending my day with the books afterall! (:

i feel like a sly fox hacking into accounts and getting secret information just for OND (Operation Not Dumb). i am THIS nervous but i'm hoping miracles would happen and OND goes through smoothly. and i currently owe my life to my accomplice. meantime i shall plan my valentines day celebration with myself....

K and i walked 15 minutes to the nearest 7-11 for cigarettes only to get into an argument with the fucked up owner and to walk out and back for another 15 minutes without cigarettes. the fucking cashier refused to sell K cigarettes only because she had a foreign ID (hello she's an international student, and its not her fault America does not provide international students with American IDs) so i decided that i was going to buy it instead BUT the fucked up cashier looked at me, shook his head and said "No" in a tone that immediately got me pretty pissed. i tried showing him my ID (which was valid and Californian) but he refused to look at it. and i demanded that he sold me the pack but he just cut me off short. and i demanded to know why he refused to sell me cigs even if i was legal, with californian ID, and all he said was (in his strong indian accent) "because i am not satisfied MAN". whoa pisssed the shit out of me please, i know i look fucking young but can you just open your fucking eyes and look at my freaking ID. i stormed out of the store having the last word and i swear if i could, i'd have sued him.

knn i'm legal already and i still cannot buy whatever i wish. if i could, i'd burn his bloody 7-11 down.

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

What are you thinking?

imagine how embarrassed i was signing contracts with men and women in business suits (ties included) while clad in baggy jeans and a baseball shirt. i must say i'm pretty convincing though cause they took me seriously and even mistook me for a business major student. sorry guys, imma be working with loons and mentally-disabled peeps.

-
i got myself melissa etheridge for 3 bucks at the school's flea market :D

felt like i was on top of the world just standing outside the biology labs today. at 9pm, overlooking the bay and san francisco, i think i stood there for a good ten minutes. marvelling at the breath-taking view, half hoping someone special was with me, i was at peace; the school was practically empty and the breeze the only sound i could hear. how i wish life felt like that all the time.

despite my 14-hour school on fridays (and having only 2 hours of sleep the night before), today was exceptionally good. was delighted and totally surprised to see mike back at school. the guy who thought me how to roll tobacco and whom i've watched get so dang high from pot; i thought i'd never see him again after he dropped out of english class. guess he's back(and dear god please don't let me get myself into any trouble this time!) and i've got his contacts so i wont ever have to lose contact with him again. i had a good time with anum too, she claims that i check out every girl that passes me by but i don't even remember doing so! oh, and a footlong from subway - perfect way to end my day!

for a moment i felt disgust.

so here's what's new,

- i just saw this babe with long ponytail-ed hair but with the top of her hair all short and in a mohawk. not what i call uncommon, but it suits her darn well. plus green eyes! zomg. was right about to compliment her but she turned and entered her class. mann.... new faces in school.

- a certain math classmate still isn't getting hooked onto my line! (bwahahahaha)

- and yes, i'm still in love with you. :D

i have three test papers tomorrow but all that's on my mind right now is the stupid situation that i am in. i feel so helpless since i've done all i could possibly do, and all that's left to do, is out of my reach and on the hands of other people. and because of these other people, i am in a predicament which is stressing the life out of me and i cannot do anything else about it. since i am eighteen years (i.e. of legal age or independent) my parents cannot do anything, and i doubt they even will if they could. the most they can offer is to hurry/rush and talk to me with tones that can make me raise my voice. i just did, and mom stormed out of the room. if something is not done in 20 days, the debtors are going to come pawn my ass. sheesh, i didn't even need a credit card to do that.

i have three tests tomorrow (all which carry quite a percentage on my final grade) and a three hour chemistry lab which i'm so not anticipating.

just ate two real fruit popsicles with extra vitamin c, half my daily requirement of vit c fulfilled! i'm finally alone at home (the grands went to the mall....) and i'm bopping to britney spears' piece of me. you want a piece of me?

chemistry lecture in an hour, i think i'm gonna be late.

-
when's mom going to start buying me polo tees and dress shirts? hmm hopefully i get her to give up on forcing me to wear girl clothes; just like how she wanted me to wear real bras but she bought me sports bras last week.

some time in future, i hope that i would be able to comfort people and make them feel better, just like how the counsellors make me feel better whenever i call their hotline. never in my life have i expected myself calling counselor/advocate hotlines and talking to people i don't know about my situations; the nearest thought from that being me on the hotline counselling and listening to some helpless soul in need. here i am though, locked up in my room with numbers of advocate groups. thank god i'm not a therapist myself yet, i'd be expected to conduct therapy for myself if i was to be in this position after i get my license to practice.

i'm still a little overwhelmed right now, my counselor said that i should try journaling my thoughts down to see if it would help me out. so here goes....

i still can't get over the fact that it happened to me. everytime i get a bill, i get reminded. everytime i try to call the station, and instead get a voicemail prompt (which i am pretty sure will be ignored by the receiver) i get reminded. sometimes i get so enveloped with anger, i just feel like killing you. literally. for disrupting my life, messing it up, and not feeling a single bit of remorse, i hate you. for breaking my parents hearts, all the crying and the worrying, i really feel like destroying you. but you know what, i'm just going to leave you alone. because one day, you'll get your much deserved karma. and i'm going to be stronger than the person i used to be before i met you.

Week 1 done, 16 more to go (15 school weeks excluding spring break)! 16 doesn't sound so bad. I think i'll survive.