A lot has changed in the days that have passed since I last came here. Good things :)

Till then. See you on the brighter side! :D

T-6 hours till commencement. I'm supposed to be asleep now since i'm waking up in approx. 4 hours but oh well... just doing some thinking before I go to bed.

Tonight I've seen someone get hurt by the same dude for the third time. When will it ever end? When will my friend ever stop giving that dude the opportunity to come in and hurt her? I don't know why people can't love themselves more than the "dude" they're loving. Am I right?

Or am I the only one wrong? The one who gave up on love just because I wasn't happy anymore even though I still loved the person?

I don't know anymore. But I guess one thing I'm sure of, is that i'm not happy. And I want to be.

Goodnight.
When I get back here, I would have been officially done with my graduation commencement.

"Somehow, the girl I was so crazy about a year ago had turned into someone who just wasn’t that special anymore. It happened so gradually that I didn’t even see it coming but there we were, just tolerating each other."

No wonder I cried when I watched that youtube clip...

One final to go, and then I can finally deal with myself and this bout of depression. Nothing else to get in the way of full recovery; i am tired of wanting to be happy only to have to postpone it because there's an essay i have to do, or an exam i have to study for, or podcasts and shits to listen to. After this final, i have one whole week to get myself together and be the strong person that I know of myself.

I'm looking forward to this. I hope nothing ruins it and prevents me from progressing.

4am, I am halfway done with my final essay. I would have been done if I hadn't spoken to jul, but hey it's been a long time and I needed an outlet since my paper ironically is on the topic of the pursuit of happiness. I'm glad I talked to her, throughout the almost five years that we've known each other despite not having met each other yet, she knows how to be empathic. Oh well, it was good catching up.

Now I need to finish this paper and sleep.

Another night of Moscato.

Today wasn't actually that bad. Well the morning was, all the way through the second final; but the morning was worse, cuz in the afternoon I actually had to seat through the final with csy so it wasn't too bad. It was pretty good actually, cuz we got to talk for abit during our walk. But then at the end of it, I realized that it could potentially be the last of our talks too, since the quarter was ending and I wouldn't have any other reason to contact her for. But oh well. It was a brief happy moment. That counts for something.

Choir in the evening was good too. I must say, I'm pretty good at catching up fast, even without the song sheet :) I miss singing. I'm excited for this (even if i'm pretty bummed that no one from my family, or my friends are coming down for Filgrad)....

Oh well. No more morning messages for me :/

Here's to another fucked up night, smelling of smoke and having that tight feeling on your chest. It was all smiles and laughter being out celebrating Jchan's 21st with all her friends and all the APIQ peeps I was supposed to meet two years earlier when I first came to Davis. I haven't gotten that many bar stamps as I have tonight. I haven't smoked so much in my life. I haven't hung out with that many lesbians in a night. Why'd it have to end?

Why'd I have to come home? Why'd I have to feel so messed up again? Why do I have to go through this everyday? Studying isn't even a good getaway from my reality anymore. I know I am going to fail finals because I haven't done a thing related to school.

I need to climb out of this mess. I haven't seen csy for more than a week now. I hope something changes. I NEED SOMETHING IN MY LIFE TO CHANGE. Sigh. I'm begging for something in my life to change.

My chest feels so tight and I can barely breathe.

I wish finals were either over or were still far from today. It's just making things worse. I wish I could just do nothing, or just go out all day and night. I just want to forget. I just want to stop this fucked up feeling from enveloping me. I just want to be done with this whole phase and wake up each morning with nothing to worry or be sad or angry about. Or even that feeling of being empty. Fuck, this feels like high school once again. Depression season going on again? I thought I was over that wayyyy back.

Everything is just so unfair. Why does MY life have to come to this. Sigh.

I'm fucking going out.

I wouldn't know what to do the day after graduation. Maybe I'll just sleep all day and pretend that day never existed.

wo hen xiang ni.

"When you really care about someone,
you forget about what's best for you,
and you do what's best for them."

....Until you lose your own happiness.

Tonight was unexpected. Amidst the loud music, the cigarette smoke, and the drinks. I've had a lot to think about. Even on my drunken ride home alone from sac with the music blaring on the radio and my 60mph cruise home.

Oh well. I'll just fall asleep to Cher's Haven't seen the last of me.

Will I ever be as happy as I want to be, in the future? I'm not asking for much, and I know I'm not much myself, but I know that's enough to make me happy.

Queer prom last night with my housemates! I thought it was time for me to get in touch with that side of me so I decided to give it a try. It was fun...would have been better with a bar inside, but too bad it was being held on campus.
-

FilGrad photoshoot today went okay too...although I know my pictures came out horrible. :/

I felt like a walking zombie today. How ironic, it being the last day of class before finals. My grades for my midterms this week are out, and yup, just as expect -.-" 12 pages of crap just given in today, I'm not even going to try looking at that...

It's time to sleep. For when I wake up, I'm taking the night off. It's time to enjoy one last time before I face next week. And for that, I have to enjoy tonight to the fullest.

In memory of the peak days of our relationship.

Goodbye.
Hope you know I still love you.
It just hurts, a lot.

I haven't cried since a week ago, but I guess now's the time to let it all out. It's raining outside, and I'm barely started with my paper - so I guess its the perfect time to let it all out. I need to take it out so I won't be carrying this heavy feeling with me anymore. I need to let it go, so that I can think and write my dumb paper. I just wished it was tomorrow already.

One long, last cry Louise. You need this. You need to let go of everything - all the pain, all the anger, every frustration you need to let go of - do it. You need to focus. Focus on the things that you still have, focus on the things that YOU can have if you work for it. Let go of it all.

Oh. Why hello, June! Do you have lots of fun stuff in store for me? :) I hope so! You need to make up for having me stuck with this 12 page paper that I barely have a page on, that I need to submit tomorrow!

I am back to my Chinese ways. LOL

If you know what I mean :))