Twice this week, I've been told that I looked like a character from an anime comic book.

I do not look like a comic book character.
/pouts

May 15.
9.20am.

Hello Ms. Lim looks like you found me down here.
Stalker Stalker Stalker. You read my notes!
But too bad, I'm gonna relocate again soon, mind looking me up again? (This time I shan't leave clues)

Mother's Day.
11.09pm.

Mama, thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love, you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong, Dry your eyes

Cause I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, I miss you

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed along the way

Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

Nothing beats a mother's love.
That I've come to realise, and because of that I am learning to appreciate my mom a whole lot more. Without her, I wouldn't be around. Without her after I was born, I'd probably be a street kid back in the Philippines. Without my dear mom, I may not even have parents right now.

Mom brought me up on her own. Worked hard to single-handedly give me the things I wanted (which is alot of unnecessary things), taught me all the right manners, fought for me whenever (step)dad and I didn't get along. All that while also supporting my half siblings. She always has (and will have) that special place for me in her heart even though I was the outcome of a broken relationship with my dad.

As I type all these, tears flow, for I now realise how much my mom put in for me. All the hurt I've brought to her, all the disappointments, yet her love is so pure, so genuine. I'm gonna start being a better daughter, for that's something she deserves.

Yesterday we were out and mom came and stood beside me, she leaned her head on my shoulder, I put my arm around her. Then she whispered, " I'm gonna miss you when you're older, please come visit me often". I made a joke about visiting her too often that she'd have to turn me away because I'd be too irritating, but tears were already welling up in my eyes. I turned away so she wouldn't see, and with that I vowed to be near mom when I grow up.

She dreams of travelling after retiring, I'm gonna make that all possible for her when I start work. I'll even go travel with her every now and then! I LOVE MY MOM! No one can ever take her place in my heart, not some other mom, not even all the hot girls out there!

May 12.
1.54am.

Hello Sarah's friends who are reading!!

I'm the biggest bastard, I know.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

May 10.
9.56pm.


This is how far we'll go.
Thanks for the happier bit of the relationship.
Goodbye.

May 10.
12.10pm.


Wrong place wrong timing.

-

Thank you for last night, if not for you the tears wouldn't have stopped rolling.

--

Still unloved, but comfortably numb.

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Yeah totally agree with Carrie Underwood. I wanna marry her (my brother does too, but I think Carrie'll like me better), gawd I love her. I want a country girl.

---
It's Friday the 11th there, exactly a year since you got my number and we started text messaging.

May 9.
11.31pm.

Right now,

I feel unloved.

I wrote a short note on Facebook a few days ago, I initially wanted to post it here but I guess I didn't have the guts to face up to whatever comments might come with it. I wrote in Facebook because there, I've currently only six friends. Out of the six, 2 are inactive and another 2 are all the way in Canada. So i guess I've 2 readers left, but I doubt they're readers (of my notes) at all.

geee. i'm so far away now and still all the drama never fails to get to me.
it wearing me out and i'm tired.
what if i just forgot every single one of you from there and just started a new life here?
like a rebirth or smth, like as if no one of you guys there ever existed.
i could delete everything i have that's related to singapore, all the friends, all the memories. maybe life might just get better.

I think I can honestly say that the only people who really do care about me is my church group, Skape. Though the conversations are little (and mostly only with Jena and Tami), the comments are short, but the feelings are there. Skape, and NR0629.....

I'm numb, and I'm highly capable of losing everyone else. I mean what's the difference?

Sometimes I don't even know why I try.

May 9.
2.31pm.

Temperature's gone down to 37.7 degrees, last night it was 39.4. Mom thinks I'm allergic to the heat. I can't wait to get well and start working out, I wanna hit my 110lbs goal. 7 more pounds + lots of body fat, to lose wuiz! I wanna look anorexic!

I've class in an hour, I'm going because I don't wanna miss two chapters on blood. Gawd, I think I'm a geek. Hmmm, actually I'm going so that my lecturer won't miss me! I just hope my nose doesn't bleed.

May 8.
11.14am.

The flu's gotten me and I'm in the foulest mood ever.


I shall reply tags here,

joce : saw your post and offline message, i'll call you soon and we can discuss how to tackle 'pimples', i'm in the mood for old immature cheap thrills. love!

joyanne : aawwww, don't worry about me girl. i'm doing fine and i miss you too! i'll be back soon yeah, for now you keep doing your thing *winks. heard you guys were dancing on Independence day, heh bet you'll be the first to get chosen for it. put up some vids of your dance practices soon aight? <3

s : i'm not delusioned. and that's the exact way i got to know you please, so don't call me delusioned.

maypoh : my teacher's hot ok! and so is the momma! haha actually my class is filled with mommas.

-

I got a 93 for exam 2.

May 7.
9.24pm.

I'm really exhausted right now but omg I need to gush! I think my lecturer has a crush on me! Hahah I know I used to think that she disliked me but omg I think she has a crush on me! Haha you know like I sit right in front of her table and when I'm looking down doing my work, I can feel her eyes on me. And like today I just noticed, but when she was returning our exam papers, I saw her leave my paper for last (as in my paper was in the middle but she put it right at the back and the next paper was my seatmate's but she came to the front and gave it to her) and when she handed me my paper she gave me this smile from the corner of her mouth which I can swear nobody but me saw! Omg! And thinking back, the last time I had an exam she did the same! She left my papers last and handed them to me last! Also like whenever she asks a question she'd look at me (and of course I'd always be able to give her the right answer, except once where I got the wrong answer and she raised her brow at me and smiled). Omg she has a crush on me! Don't tell me I'm delusioned cause I'm always right whenever someone is crushing on me. Man, and she's quite hot actually although she's a mom. She wears skinny jeans to school, and she twirls her hair when she's teaching!

Omg I don't hate her anymore. And I feel that the both of us have some kind of connection.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway anyway, I also found out that that hot (bitchy-looking) lady from my class is married with a kid! Damn.... and I thought she was young. Heh. Class is getting interesting.....

May 6.
9.48pm.

I'm toast. Exam's tomorrow and I'd really love to say that I'm ready for it and that I'm gonna score well, but I can't. I've honestly dedicated the most of my weekend on my books (I spent the WHOLE of today on them) yet I'm not ready. Shit, I'm toast. I bet my classmate, Rihanna's gonna top it again. Bitch. Omg I must not let her top, she's ahead of me by two points from the last exams, I cannot let her get highest again for this! Shit, I must study. Later.

Not only that, my ability to withstand stress and overcome it, is getting worse. What happened to the 'cool' me who doesn't get stressed up so easily? Mann, I seriously snapped at everyone at home today because they were just annoying! Like can't they see that I'm happily being a nerd? Sheesh. Maybe I should just leave my books aside, like how I always do, and head to the mall.

There's so much I wanna do now but school's taking up all my time. ARGHHHH totally regret doing nothing during the past 6 months. I hope I (somehow) find some time, I wanna....

- go hunting for more/better Singaporean food places.
- look for gay/lesbian pride shops and buy rainbow(tie dyed?) shirts.
- grow thinner x10000
- driving class bleah.
- just chill in the mall even on my own.

That's all.
I'm going back to my books now.

Seis de Mayo ( LOL yesterday was cinco de Mayo, some Mexican celebration)
1.10am.

11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 (:

And that's the number of the day, 11 !!!
We're one away from 12 (:

I had the nicest talk with you today (:
just like the ones we used to have almost a year ago
iloveYOU, HAPPY 11th (:

May 5.
12.45am.

SKAPE
you guys rock my world! (:

JENA
TAMI
JOY ANNE
KAREN
JESSICA
KRIZIA
+
THE GUYS

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

damn i miss you guys. ang saya saya nyo na ngayon, heh your video made my day!!
i'm gonna play it everyday (:


haha people those are my C-R-A-Z-Y-Y-Y-Y choir mates!!!

May 3.
7.03pm.

I bought a 7 buck Hollister tee today and I doubt I'm ever gonna wear it when I'm around the folks. It reads, 'Hawaiian girls grow big coconuts'. I know my mom'll throw me out of the house the minute she sees it, so yeah I'm gonna hide it among my stash of letters and pictures too.

So anyway, the other night I was lying in bed still thinking of daddy's pictures and me. About how I never had any memories when I was a child. Like how I don't remember whether there was a male parent around, or even anything I did at all when I was one or two years old. I guess like what Sarah said, its the age when we don't remember anything at all. Only pictures can tell what I've been up to those first two years.

With that, I came up with an idea. When I have a baby, I'm gonna take photographs of him/her everyday. I'm also gonna write daily journals of what my baby did. I'll do it until my baby grows up to the age of 3-4. That way my baby knows what went on with her/his life then! Damn, I'm smart (:

Btw, daddy and I look very much alike. We have the same eyes, smile and mischievious smirk. God, I hope, I wish, I WANT to meet him one day.


I'm really sorry I forgot to wake you up sweetheart,
I hope you weren't late for class.
It'll never happen again,
love you, mucho.

May 3.
3.50pm.


This was supposed to be yesterday's post, but I arrived home at 567654323455 pm so I was too drained to come online and type an entry (no time to blog, got alot of time to post cute pics online!!).

Anyway, yesterday was......spent in the bus. A quarter of my day (6 hours) spent sitting on that hard plastic chair (hopefully friction's working and I can lose my gluteal fats) going across town and back.

Nothing interesting really, my day. Just a couple of new things like :

- My lecturer who I suspect hates me because I might look like someone she dislikes, smiled at me.
- I came out as a lesbian to my Indian friend, Rimmy.
- I am irritated with another Indian from my class whose name I cannot spell OR pronounce, because she's a show off who claims she was born in England and that she has a British accent, when in face the only accent I hear from her is her non-mistakeable Indian accent.
- I'm afraid to walk home alone at night because my street is long and there are only two streetlights, one at the beginning and one at the end;my house is exactly in the middle.
- I had a nice camwhoring session with myself, which I feel I haven't done in eons.

Okay that's about it. Its almost 4pm, I wanna go study now. I'll tell you guys about a thought that came to me while I was lying in bed the other day, later.

May 1.
10.52pm.

Mayday Mayday! Another month has passed, I can't wait for December!

And what better way than to start a month happy (:
I received a package from my aunt today, like after waiting 10 years for my childhood pictures, I finally got them! Well 5% of them at least, but hey something is always better than nothing! I spent the day looking and re-looking and giggling and cooing over my super d-duper cute pictures. I know you guys'll call me thick skinned for saying this, but honestly I think I've never seen a child cuter than I was. Yeah, was (like how mom refers to), but I think there's still quite alot of it in me now (cuteness I mean).

I shall have a nice pictured (scanned pictures taken from super old un-digital cameras) entry to prove it all to you guys once I figure out how to connect the scanner to my laptop (if it even is possible that is).

Anyway, here's the biggest shock/surprise/whatever you may wanna call it. (But I pretty much expected it) My aunt included three pictures of my dad. My REAL dad! And you know what? Those three pictures are pictures that I've looked at countless of times before! O-M-G. And I never knew....... Gosh. He and I have some kinda resemblance, I think its the eyes and the smile, but I'm not sure. I gotta wait till the try to set up the scanner, and I'll get you guys to help me figure if there's a similarity between us.

Looking at those three pictures got me thinking alot about him. I wonder if he's fine right now, the thoughts kinda kept me distracted while I was at my books (still finished a chapter and my homework though!). I was even very tempted to ask mom about them, I guess neither of us are ready though cause I've no guts to ask her and likewise she's got none, to tell. I suppose the time will come, but right now I shall just look at my daddy's face everyday and smile. My aunt told me to hide the pictures by the way and I found the perfect place to keep them - the new addition to my 'happy stash' of memories! They're kept in that box which contains everything given to me by all of you guys in Singapore. All the pictures and letters and memories which I look at so frequently just to remind myself that life isn't such a bad thing afterall (how can it be bad when I've got so many of you guys as friends!)

Sucha happy day, I hope it lasts throughout the month (:

Anyway special shoutout to MS. JENALYN SORREDA!
I miss you! Why do I always not see you online! We seem to be coming at the wrong times. Or maybe you're just avoiding me! I better see you online soon girl, I miss you!

And to MS. LAI SHI QI.
I hope I see you online too and I hope you're doing fine.
I care. I honestly do.
Alot.

And to the rest,
LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

/edit

I declined an invitation to go to the mall with my Indian friend and her highschool mates. I actually wanted to go, for the sake of making more friends and like, it could be a starting point you know? On second thoughts however, I suspected her high school friends were gonna turn out all Indian (I'm not a racist!!!!) so I declined. Like I have enough (traditional) Indian friends from class please! They even tried teaching me Hindi. If I'm not wrong 'hello how are you' is 'ap naam kya hei?' and 'good' is 'ah char'. HAHA OMG WTH i'm turning Indian. My classmate's gonna send me pictures of some Indian bollywood guy because I faked being interested in what they were talking about (Bollywood Superstars) omg I'm Indian now.

April 30.
8.02pm.

Here's what I wore to school today and also how I look like now, in case you guys were wondering. From the picture, you can conclude that Louise is capable of making skinny jeans not look like skinny jeans.

/edit
10.16pm.

Yayyyy I just got good news, bus rides are gonna be free till next Tuesday (because of the melted highway!)!!! That means I get to save half of my allowance (:


And you, I know you're reading this,
I love you. (:

April 29.
5.37pm.

I sprayed on my old scent today and I got reminded of everything in the past. (Bad move) I've decided to change some things and move on in life since I'm the only one who's still living in the happy and melanchonic days of Singapore. I am moving on, and yes, life will be better. All I need is to toughen up abit and harden certain parts of me(like I mentioned in previous post, just not in english). Go figures which part/s.

I just came back from Vacaville, and the factory outlet there is my new favorite shopping place. Didn't get much today though, just a pair of skinnys(my first!) and a sweater from Guess. Quite a surprise cause like I said, I don't normally buy clothes when the folks are around. I saw a group of Singaporeans today, I know cos they were loudly conversing in Singlish. Mom and I had a good laugh.

I shall spend less time online(one of the changes I'm gonna carry out) because being online will only drag me back in time and put me in a state that I don't want to be in anymore. I'm leaving now to spend quality and happy time with my school textbooks.

/edit

11.35pm.

My productivity rate is getting better, my concentration span is more than 3 hours.

Anyway, I just read that a bridge nearby,which we took a couple of weeks back, melted. LOL. Sounds funny, but I don't know why its making things gloomy. I'm in the mood for emo songs and 'Victims of love' is playing over and over again.

I'm off to work out and strengthen my biceps.

April 29.
10.04am.

I'm off to Sacramento again today, we're going shopping!(doubt I'll get anything though, like what's new right.) Anyway anyway, the dad is flying to Tapei for a week and a half and omg pure bliss. On the downside, I'm gonna have to take 6 buses in total everytime I go to school since mom still can't drive. I'll be arriving home at around 10 (classes end at 7).

Other than that, my long hair's gone and I think I look a little less fat.

No more!

Whoooo hello goodlookin'
-.-"

-
tumigas na ang puso ko.

Its morning now so I'm happily singing 'What becomes of the broken hearted' loudy. My parents think I'm disturbed.

April 28.
11.43pm.

My life's getting more and more interesting. I spend at least 3 hours everyday with my school books. (Note : There isn't any sarcasm in the last two paragraphs.)

And its almost midnight right now and all I wanna do is jump around in the sitting room (its where I'm at now) and scream, ' Give me something to believe in cause I don't believe in you anymore anymore........'. Maroon 5's Make Me Wonder, for you. Haha nice song and I'm really tempted to blast music and just make noise.

Someone just reminded me of alcohol, I think that would fit perfectly with my mood and urge to jump around at home right now. I think I'll just hum the words in my little corner in the sitting room.

April 28.
8.46pm.

another reason to hate homosexuals -

Virginia Tech Mass Murderer, Cho Seung-Hui was a gay man.

Top pyschiatrist experts say the madman's frustration over his sexuality was the reason he exploded in fury to the world. - GLOBE magazine.

Lalalalala. My life = Anatomy & Pysiology books.
That's new.

April 16.
8.25pm.

Mannnnnn, school SUCKED. I think my school's screwed up, I wasted a day at school. Administration totally allowed 60+ people to sign up for the class when there was only supposed to be 30. So picture around 65 people inside a small tiny classroom waiting for 1 stupid lecturer. We waited for 45mins just to be told that only 30 people were allowed in the class, and that the other 30 would come on other days. Since the admin didn't separate people in the 'first come first served' way, 30 people had to volunteer to come on another schedule. Like wth? We spent another 20mins just getting 30 people to volunteer for the other slot. Class ended after all that was settled and a 5 minute briefing was made. So in other words, I travelled 4 hours to and from school just to attend a five minute briefing. How cool is that? Sheesh.

Another thing, remember there were around 65 peeps in class? The class had around 30 chairs only, and there was one chair beside me which was unoccupied. It stayed unoccupied till the end, even though around 30 peeps were standing. Now tell me if I'm right to say that no one wanted to sit beside me? And just like I expected man, I'm the absolute youngest one in the class. The nearest to my age group was this big group of India Indian girls/guys and since they had such a big gang, they don't need to talk to anyone else from their age group, from outside their group. No one talked to me for the whole hour or so that I was there. Wow.

Ok, enough of that. I gotta say this, CHERISH YEW is damn sweet please! She called me in the morning while she was on the way to class, just to wish me all the best and to have a good day. Awwwwww! So sweet (: I love you bro! You brightened up my day (:

April 15.
8.07pm.

I'm tired and I'm dreading the first day of class which starts tomorrow. Shall keep it short.

Things I did today:

- Drove to San Francisco.
- Went to Pier 39.
- Ate seafood.
- Saw the Golden Gate Bridge, Oakland Bridge, Alcatraz Prison, from afar.
- Saw lots and lots of gay/lesbian couples (what can i say man, its the biggest GLBT nation in the country!)
- Saw tall buildings ( the last tall building i've seen was the HDBs back in singapore?)
- Went for a 2-hour cruise which went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz.
- Sat in the same cruise with a gay trio? (they had each others' arms around each other?)
- Saw seals.
- Was stuck in the evening traffic of the city.
- Saw lots of hobos/bums in San Francisco.

Sum it up, San Francisco = iLOVE!
(shall post pictures soon)

I made a friend! (HAHA) He's this gay filipino guy who works at Subway, his name is Luiqi(however that's spelled) and he thought I was Japanese. The only reason I spoke to him though was because he had this super cute good looking filipino workmate. Omg i'm looking at guys! But yeah, the guy's cute and Luiqi's friendly. I bet I'll go back to visit him when I go to the mall (hopefully when that time comes, he still works there). hahaha. I've been wanting a gay friend ever since I came here. hahaha.

Anyway, I'm very tired and I'm really dreading classes tomorrow. Gawd, pls pray that I don't get lost or take the wrong bus(es) or be late for class.

Friday the 13th.
7.31pm.

Good news : I washed everyone's laundry today! (All five loads of them!)
Bad(and funny)news : I shrunked mom's clothes. They became half their size.

I think I make a good wife. I can cook (rice), clean, do laundry and iron clothes! (:
I shall ban shrinkable clothes in my home next time.

April 12.
10.09pm.

Die larh die larh die LARHHHHH.
I got to see some of my 'going-to-be' classmates today and DIE LARHHHH they all look so goddamn freaking O-L-D k! Like 'yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died'. HAHA ok lame. But die larh they're so oldddddddd and they gave me funny looks !! shit shit shit i have a feeling i'm gonna hate school. Like what happened to the Louise who was so eager to go school months before??

And I calculated. The time I take to travel back and forth (approx. 4hrs, nothing less) is longer than my class itself! And the bus seats are plastic laaaaaa. My ass is so gonna hurt ): but then again, friction works which causes wear and tear, OMG I FOUND A WAY TO LOSE MY FAAAAAAT ASSSS! bwahahahaha.

okay. please disregard this post.
i miss singapore ):

I'm so fat, so fat, so FAT.
I shall show you people how fat and ugly I am, then you all can go and make up your own 'yo louise so fat and so ugly jokes'.

OMG I'M SO FAT AND UGLY, EVEN I WOULDN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF ANYMORE! i think i scared away all my potential admirers (if any, highly doubt so) and i think my girlfriend got turned off. even i am super duper turned off with myself. ughhhhhhh

I hope I redeem myself with this. LOL.

April 10.
12.06am.

If you hold your anger, it will kill your happiness.
- Gullah Proverb

April 8.
11.10pm.

En route to Tahoe.

Snow = Cold? You're wrong.

Lake Tahoe

So we've been to Tahoe in Winter (2003) and Spring, we're going boating in the lake in the Summer. Next week, Yosemite! And maybe if I don't go back (wherever) this December, I might be able to join them for the cross country trip ( 4 weeks on the road, East Coast to West Coast, baby!).

-

Not ready to make nice.

Why should I?

April 7.
12.50pm.

I'm off to Sacramento, won't be back till Monday. Phone and laptop's gonna be left at home.

Goodbye.

10.36pm

To hell with reputation, to hell with being the good person. I'll fuck everything up as and when I like, why shouldn't I anyway? Even when one doesn't want things to fuck up, one way or another it still ends up as a gigantic pile of fuck.

I've left that place anyway, I can just leave everything as fucked as it is.

April 6.
9.25pm.

I need to go on a short holiday. Anywhere, just away from civilisation, away from anything that can communicate. I hope my parent's friends' call so that the trip to Lake Tahoe this weekend would come true. Or maybe mom and I can get the other three to go camping up at Yosemite. I need to get away, I don't even mind camping alone.

I'm going crazy down here. Today I chatted with a 31 y/o malaysian bung from new york. Refreshing, I should talk to more strangers. They just might help me find myself. Maybe, hopefully.

I fasted today, first time!

Good Friday.
morning.


Queen sang that if you love too much, you will die.

I'm going to fast since its Good Friday. I just went around the house shaking my fingers at everyone because they ate meat. It's not even lunch time but I must admit I'm quite hungry (blank face). I think I will not eat but I will drink 20 gallons of water.

April 4.
9.49pm.

Someone's gonna be home today!! So happy so happy so happy!! (happy ((idiotic)) face).

-

Can someone pls pls pls tell me how to effectively lose face fats? I don't even wanna take pictures anymore (sad face)

April 3.
9.17pm.

I MIGHT be starting class on the 16th this month. By the looks of my transcript evaluation, I do not have enough credits in Anatomy & Physiology and General Pyschology, to enrol. Which means I'll have to take them up before term starts and the earliest and latest slots I can take starts on the 16th.

I'm finally gonna be interacting with people! I might start having a life soon. But why the mixed feelings I'm experiencing? Part of me is dreading the call that may come from the school anyday now, asking me to sign up for the two subjects listed above. Gawd, I wish I was back in Singapore. But then again, I don't wanna start in year 1 and watch my old classmates in year 2.

Gawd. Life sucks.
I miss Sarah ):

April 2.
4.07pm.

Day one, I wake up at noon feeling something amiss. What more when I wake up tomorrow and the day after? I hope she slept well last night. It's only 7.08am there and I think they're already up and hiking. Sigh, dear God please take care of my baby.

I NEED to consume alcohol. I need to burn my lungs and destroy my liver.

April 2.
12.25am.

Here's another one from craigslist, since I'm so so super bored.

Why I love America
1. I can be racist
2. I can be a pedophile
3. I can be in the closet or on the DL
4. I can watch people fucking animals
5. I can be a polygamist 6. I can be a republican (and still fuck young boys)
7. I can hate Arabs (simple because you can't hate blacks, Latins, gays, Indians, or "other" groups, so hating Arabs is the latest craze)
8. I can be a christian and LOVE WAR,KILLING, RAPE, TORTURE - YES, Jesus loved to kill, rape his apostles and he even waged war on Rome!!!
9. I can always blame a mexican for all the fuck ups in my life (including the time tmy mother made me watch her fuck some guy for money)
10. I can shoot a gun and drink beer! I LOVE AMERICA

-

Another one added to my collection of private entries. I almost revealed all my deepest secrets to craigslist. I typed everything out but chickened out last minute because I realised my deepest secrets aren't even safe on the hands of anonymous people. I guess they'll never be safe anywhere, they're meant to be bottled up and kept in me.

April 1
10.03pm.

Sigh. Sarah's gonna be away for four days and I'm already missing her like zomg crazy! Poor poor sweetheart, gonna be stuck in the jungles(?) of Kuantan with a giant backpack and cave-men looking guys. How oh how is she gonna survive! She doesn't know a thing about pitching tents and hiking, oh God she doesn't even exercise! Sigh sigh sigh. I hope she gets back fast, and safe. I hope there aren't any leeches to suck her blood. I wish I was there to carry her backpack and her. Sigh, I wish she has fun. I wish I was there to have sex in the tent with her. I miss my girlfriend ):

(but then again, quite good that she went. at least she knows what to expect when i wanna go camping/hiking in future. i mean who else to go with me when i'm old and married. of course its only Sarah!)

Anyway, I miss my girlfriend so much, I'm quite lonely. Even my bestfriend Jena is away and busy looking at boys back in my country. I miss Jenaaaaa. And I'm on hiatus from MSN, so now I'm bored.

I'm so bored I'm rambling again down here. Look what I found on craigslist, I find it hilarious! HAHAHA.

I'M A MARRIED WOMAN TO A WONDERFUL MAN, LAST NIGHT WE HAD PRETTY DARN GOOD SEX! WELL I'M PRETTY SAD RIGHT NOW. PLEASE TELL ME IF I'M WRONG. I ACCIDENTLY FARTED OUT LOUND WHILE HE WAS GOING DOWN ON ME. I GUESS IT FELT SO GOOD THAT WHEN I HAD AN ORGASM, IT SLIPPED OUT IN HIS FACE!. I FEEL SO BAD. HE IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS PROBLEM? PLEASE, I NEED SOME HELP!! -LEAKY SPHINCTER.

HAHAHAAHA. omg i'm so bored.

March 30.
11.22pm.

GAHHHHHH. I'm so bored and the city i'm living in, and its neighboring cities, are full of racists. Craigslist bay area's rants and raves section is keeping me entertained with everyone's complaints about arrogant flips,cheap chinese,arabs invading all the neighborhood stores(a.ka. 'mama shops'), and illegal mexicans. LOL so much shit, but ironically nothing much about the whites. I wonder why. Singapore's craigslist is dead, I can't even can a decent reply for my post seeking accomodation when I come visit.

I'm hungry but I don't wanna eat. My girlfriend and I are keeping a food journal and I have to update daily. I don't want to eat because my girlfriend's gonna call me a fat pig (which in real life seems pretty untrue because I've practically lost (most of) my tummy fats) and there's nothing good in my kitchen that will please my taste buds. I'm not gonna eat, I'm not even gonna drink because my girlfriend laughed at me when I drank green tea with 3 teaspoons of sugar.

Huurrrrr. I'm bored and hungry, what a combination. I think I'd rather be dead. Gawd, this is my share of rants and raves. Should I post on craigslist?

March 27.
10.18pm.

For I have sinned, I was punished accordingly. Ghastly headache, similar to that of a hangover just that I haven't drank a single drop of alcohol. Gagging into my smelly toilet bowl, watching disgusting yellowish bile rushing out of my mouth. No more lights for me, nuh uhh.

Highlight of the day is that I have reserved a copy of Harry Potter's 7th book, at Borders and I'm gonna get 40% off when it comes out on July 21. YAYYYYYYYYY!!


There is nothing so healing to oneself as to heal another.

Faith is misunderstood. It is treated as an end when, in fact, it is really a beginning.

Quoted from The Letter by Richard Paul Evans.

-

I'm gonna start my own mini-library.

March 27.
1.12am.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

March 24.
10.54pm.

It's starting to get depressing again today. I saw the Passion Arts pictures you guys took, I saw everyone's faces, all the familiar people I used to see everyday back in Northland, I saw pictures of people on duty. And now I'm lonely. Never have I missed out on NSS's Passion Arts la, just this year. Even the very first Passion Arts, I went alone, and now when everybody I'm close to went, I wasn't around. Sigh. Looking at the pictures, it shows how much I miss Jill, the Ebians like Nigel and Ghaz, my fan Janet, the leaders and practically everyone/everything la. I didn't even know Aloysious has grown so much already.

BAHHHH.
so miserable please.
imagine if i was there man, the amount of pictures i'd have taken with people. the bitching about who's grown uglier or who's a slut, seeing the teachers (omg i can't believe you choir girls took pictures with mr sim. HAHA he still looks the same man).

I MISS MY LIFE.
(sad face)

March 23.
1.30pm.


Someone doesn't trust me.

March 23.
12.03am.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TESS WONG! OOOOH TESSY WESSY I LOVE YOU! HOPE YOU DID WELL IN YOUR ROCK-CLIMBING COMPETION TODAY. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU. MUCH LOVE!!! :)


-

You're still the one that makes me laugh,
Still the one; my better half.
We're still having fun,
and you're still the one.

You're still the one who makes my day,
Still the one; for every night I pray.
I still wake up to your sweet voice,
and you're still the one.

You're still the one who lingers in my dreams,
The only one in my mind, it seems.
I'll still love you tomorrow,
and you're still the one.
The only one; right till the very end.

Wait for me baby, I'll be home soon.

with love (tons and tons of 'em).

March 21.
9.11pm.

Boredom is getting me once again, it's time to reminisce!







Prefects & Student Leaders '05

Man, that's such an ancient picture (credits to our dead YLDP friendster account). Goes way back to when council wasn't formed yet, when both groups were fighting for authority. Back when I was still Vice-Head, instead of Discipline Head, and it was very awkard sharing the Leaders room with the SLs. Has any of you wondered whether things would have been better if we hadn't merged?

Who would have thought Nigel would end up as Chairman, and I the HOD. The many quarrels we had, and even real fights with many swear words exchanged. All the stress we went through, all the tears, all the hard work which seem to go unnoticed. Damn, how life was so bloody unfair then. All those bad memories, they tore us apart, friendships were lost and trust was totally gone.

What about our triumphs? I remember the earlier days when we were still new, our weekly meetings sitting round the table where'd we always sidetrack because Nigel or Ziyong would say something funny and Fiona would start with her contagious laughter. The days we planned so many events and how we were so united at every event we ran (we'd especially be waiting to debrief the leaders so we could scream profanities at them). How we'd dreaded debriefs from Shaiful and Brian because we knew we were always gonna get fucked(like how we did to the other leaders. haha). I remember how Brian got so mad once in the library during one of the camps, he nearly threw a chair at us(was it us?). And course how could I forget how we tried our bests not to let the outsiders(HPTS,ELEADS) come in and take over our show.

Damn. I miss YLDP(no matter how screwed up,how political it was). I especially miss my HOD days. Haha. Those days when everyone hated me(dont deny la fellow council members i know you all knew i was going abit overboard and treating my post TOO seriously at times), those days when I pressurised everyone abit too much into doing duties and following the school rules - I apologise once again. It's sad how the platform I built got destroyed after we stepped down though.

I hear Mr Shaiful's begging the council after us to go back and help fix YLDP up again. Somehow, something in me still wants to believe that everything can be fixed in that programme. We put in too much effort, sweat,heart and tears into it man. I hope miracles happen, I'd still like the plan we came up with, to make YLDP national and known to Singapore(and hopefully the World), happen. And I wanna have a reunion with our alumni when we're old. HAHA.

Okay, I'm done reminiscing. That's one BIG chapter of my life that I don't think I'll forget.


ps. Does anyone have any YLDP/council pictures? I just realised I had so little pictures of us but I remember us taking quite alot back then. So yeah, if anyone has them please send me! Thanks, and I love you guys!

March 20.
1.17am.

got rice bitch? got rice?anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me

The society is influencing me. I've been listening to Azn music all day already, like A-Z-N pride please! They're pretty cool, better than the normal hiphop rnb rap shat I hear on the radio (maybe because there's cantonese/vietnamese/filo language mixed in their raps). LOL. And them songs just made me realise that lotsa asian kids get into gangsterism and become hustlers too. Like the songs talk about their homies being killed, how they become gangsters and all the racism you have here in the states. Tsk, what a sad world.

I'm missing everyone in Singapore. I'm gonna hit six months here next month. I miss my sweetheart. So damn glad I gotta see her through the webcam last night. And we talked for almost four hours, made her stay up till six in the morning. I remember the last time we did that was wayyyyyy back when I was getting to know her.

midnight calls while you dried your hair,
my phone would show your name while i'd be sleeping,
but i'd be up and smiling in no time baby,
you made my heart race, everytime.

we were getting to know each other,
laughing,singing,talking 'bout all the randomest things.
oh how i miss all those nights, all those calls baby,
i'd lie in bed smiling till dawn broke.

oh how i miss those days baby,
those days; the very same ones that's got us here.
oh what would i ever do if you never called me?
oh baby, i miss you.

March 18.
8.1pm.

Wanna see my collection of jellyfish pictures?

okay enough of jellyfishes(i probably have another 50 or so pictures of them), now for some other boring sea creatures....

I got to hold starfishes and sea urchins! I wanted to steal the starfishes(they're alive!) and paste them on my wall, but mr. big fat man with ugly glasses was watching my every move. Anyway anyway, BABY!!!!!!! I don't want a dog anymore, nope.... I want an OTTER! Omg, they're so cute (so much cutter than ironically ugly cute pugs) and they can perform lots and lots of tricks! I WANT AN OTTER.

My New Love

PEOPLE COME VISIT ME IN THE SUMMER!
We'll go kayaking/sailing/diving/paragliding in the Pacific Ocean! I need someone to do all that, plus cycling/trekking by the mountains, strolling along the very beautiful town called Moneterey, walk around the Fisherman's Wharf and even just to eat seafood and taste lots and lots of free wine. (BABY!!!! START SAVING MONEY PLEASE!!!) Gahhhhh. I'm so lonely.

Okay, I'm sorry I made you guys look at all those boring pictures up there. Here's something to make your visit to my blog, worthwhile...................

Oh my God, that's by far the gayest picture I've taken this year. (Mom's such a lousy photographer, she bloody hell cut of my leg).

March 15.
10.33pm

The 3 Musketeers
(Jan Thomas, Guess who!!, Dale)

We were grandma's children. The three of us, they were my REAL brothers to me. The three of us, our parents all overseas too busy to take care of us - Jan's dad in the States, Mine in Singapore, Dale's dad in Korea. The three of us, always up to trouble, always getting the adults at home mad, always venturing out and away from home. We were all so young then, I was 5, Jan was 4 and little Dale was 3. We'd hang on jeepneys and go to town, we'd walk for hours just to buy firecrackers on Christmas, the creek nearby was one of our favorite places; lots of spiders to catch. Two years later we were three kids playing with pellet guns, playing wargames in the forest, shooting each other and laughing so hard whenever someone got shot in the ass(damn it hurt, but still we laughed). The three of us NOW, more or less without a father - Jan's dad is in Japan with a new family, his mom doesn't care about him, Dale's dad's still in Korea with his mom not intending to rekindle their relationship when he gets back, and me who you already know, has never met her real father.

I guess we were really meant to be grandma's kids - the best mom one could ever have(i bet they'd agree with me on that). And though I haven't seen those two crazy cousins of mine for almost 6 years, I still love them as much as ever, and I know they do two. Those two crazy guys. heh.

Now, a new addition to the musketeers,

Our muse!
(Mr. Nagamatsu)

Our little Chinese-Japanese-Filipino nephew. The new addition to the jokers (and no, his family is perfectly normal) who I'm sure will miss the two alot once he gets back to New York in June.

And so, with me being here, I was unable to join them in their little reunion back in the house where I grew up in.

Awww the cute(not cute at all for the two guys) things! My brothers, though not so cute anymore, they're still crazy and I love them still x1000000000000000 (: Look at them man, still fooling around like before....

LOL. Looking at their pics now, I notice the three of us have another similarity! We don't look like pinoys! Dale looks like some mexican guy, Jan-jan the black(heh! he's always been the black), and Me who doesn't look like anything specific at all.

And so the next chapter for the three musketeers? Heh. We're all gonna become missys! Err, nurses i mean. Omg I can't wait for them to be here, we're so gonna kill alot of patients have fun in the hospitals!


-

I got my driving permit, it enables me to drive as long as there's someone with a license beside me. I'll get my license in July after my birthday. Poor mom failed her driving test. LOL.

March 12.
11.29pm.

I just found out that my other bestfriend from all the way back in primary school, turned butch. LOL. That makes the three of us lesbian now. Or at least two, because the other one turned straight after we broke up.

March 12.
8pm.

Remind me never to risk becoming fat again, if I ever get my body back into shape. If ever.

March 11.
8.14pm.


Sophia. Jane. Marilou. Johnson. Curina. Liberette. Shirin. Shi Yi. Jerome. Chew Hui. JR. Eunice. Nagawati. Jocelyn. Geric. Carrie. Cheryl. Jena. Alvin. Xiu Yi. Hanisah. Li Ane. Alvin. Hanis. Stephanie. Farhanna. Mandy. Jonas. Ziwei. Wendy. Angelia. Benjamin. Erica.

heehee.
Crushes. Eyecandies. Former Girlfriends. (the list above is in no particular order)
I'm too shy to post my list from 2006 onwards so yeah, maybe in the next 2-3 years?? (:

Sucha random post.

March 10.
5.24pm.

My neighbor's tree got toilet-papered in the the beginning of Spring. LOL.

Reading in the backyard.

Karl wants me to bring him squirrels when I get back. LOL. Well Karl, if you see this,
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!
(in advance).
I know I can't bring you squirrels when I come back, so yeah enjoy the pictures!

March 9.
6.20pm.




One movie down, lots move to go! Drew Fuller's so cute!! Omg, he's my new crush. He looks good even with a double chin! Omg, how I wish I looked good too, even with my super fugly double chin. Since the double chin of my is already super fugly, I guess my hopes of looking good is goneeeee.

Bleah. Here I am being deprived of the last months of my youth.

March 8.
7.17pm.


I wonder what it's like to be in a non-monogamous relationship. I wonder how one night stands go. To be in a relationship with no commitments; no strings attached. I wonder what it's like to go out with more than one partner at the same time.

My my, how will I ever answer those questions of mine?

-

I hate kissing/on-the-verge-of-having-sex/sex scenes between a male and a female. They make me cringe and remind me of stuff. I think I have a phobia. They form dirty pictures in my head, dirty pictures of people I actually know. Eeekkk! HELP! Does anyone experience such things too?

March 8.
8.50am.


My tear glands are working themselves alot these days. I just woke up an hour ago, and just because of a certain phonecall, I'm here bawling again. And no, nothing really wrong with the conversation that was exchanged during the phonecall. I think I need a shrink.

March 7.
7.50pm.

I wish I never saw the sunshine
And if I never saw the sunshine baby
Then maybe...I wouldn't mind the rain


Tasting the 'good life' has left me depressed. Who doesn't agree with me that 'good lifes' always end up being shortlived? One can never be happy for too long, I wish I was brought up living the tough life back in the philippines instead. That's where I belong.

To grandma, to the rice fields and the carabaos, to surviving on 10 pesos (US$0.20) per day. That's where I belong.

I wish I never got to experience having a 'dad' because in true life he wasn't even one, it was just a position/post I was told to call him. My grandma, aunts and uncles were my many moms and dads, and they gave me the best protection, they took care of me the best. I wish I never moved out of my homeland, cause I was moved to Singapore, and then to the States. They promised a 'better life' because the philippines was and is still full of corruption and pollution and whatnot, but happiness in SG, and here in the States was/is always shortlived. With high standards of living comes high stress level amongst the people, I doubt I'd ever feel stressed back in the Phils.

Life sucks. Life sucks more now, if compared to what my life would be if i was in the Philippines now. Life there's simple, that's why it doesn't take much to make people happy.

March 7.
3.30pm.



I admit, I'm an emotional wreck. Major highs, major lows. I should stop watching everything but comedy and chick flicks, I've had enough of weeping, even the slightest drama gets tears flowing. What the hell is wrong with me. I feel as though I left part of me somewhere. (LOL at the emo pic)


I'm going for a run.


/edit

5.20pm


The run didn't do any good. Two miles (and I barely made it).

Do you know what it feels like to be numb?

Go out in the cold ( 10-15 degrees Celsius) with only a singlet on run a mile or two without stopping. Then suddenly stop and stand there for a minute, you'll feel numbness. Not a bead of sweat, you don't know if you're feeling hot or cold, not a feeling in the body, except for the heart of yours that must have transformed itself into a ten pound stone which your body is barely supporting. Nothing goes into your head, you just stand there feeling kinda paralized, and only knowing that there's that ten pound stone in the middle of your chest that wants to drag you down. Yeah that's what I felt....

I remember getting home, but after that I don't know. I woke up and I was on the floor of my room. Gawd, I thought I was getting better. I'm far from okay. I can't even run anymore.

March 5.
2.55pm

Stayed in the backyard all morning trying to bring some color back into my face and arms. It worked pretty well and I'm thinking of getting myself a bikini top after I lose all the excess in the tummy (which is near impossible, but I can dream on, can't I?!). And omg, can someone tell me what I can do to lose those stumps (look up and you'll see). I so wanted to post that picture up on friendster because its the only decent one which doesnt (really) emphasize on how my face looks like that of a pregnant woman ( I haven't changed primary picture for so long and nobody drops by my page to check me out anymore), but because of those ugly horrendous legs, I had second thoughts.

Blah blah. Life's so boring. I'm listing the movies I'm gonna catch in the coming weeks. I've three I wana watch already. And I'm gonna drop by Borders or something to get myself a book to read while I hang around Starbucks all afternoon to waste my life away while I can. LOL. It's the 9th tomorrow, whoops I meant 6th. I wish it was December already. DST (Daylight Saving Time) is gonna be implemented this Sunday which means, I'm only gonna be 15 hours behind you guys back there in Singapore, instead of 16. Whoa my life is so boring, I'm gonna stop here.

March 4.
1.18pm.

It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

/edit

7.40pm.

I remember walking into your class one day, I was there to see your teacher. I walked in, you looked up and smiled, I didn't know what to do. I smiled back, I could feel your eyes secretly on me; I couldn't wait to get out. On my way out, I pulled the door instead of pushing it. I remember that day, a picture reminds me of it. Not of ours though.

whoops.
bad memory.

March 4.
11.15am.

Dear you,

I hope you're alright. Please take good care and get enough of sleep everyday.


with love.

-


Mom just banned me from playing ball because I woke up today unable to lift the whole right side of my upper body. Like @$%&%$@$%^& la! That means I'm gonna have to give my games with my brother a miss. Sigh, so much for the six packs I promised you guys. Bummer.

March 3.
6.36pm.

What a gruelling day. Well spent in the backyard, training up my stamina and losing fats (at least attempting to). Jumping jacks, suicides, push ups and a couple of ball games with my brother who succeeded in making me stay on the tip of my toes the whole time.

Well, I hope it helped somehow cause now I'm near to collapsing, I have quite a deep cut on my lip because of the game(damn, my blood tastes real disgusting) and I'm just really drained la hor. My brother wants to play again tomorrow, and I just agreed to at least three games of ten.

I really hope this helps me catch myself soon. I'm gonna make everything better best.

March 3.
8.40am.

Yesterday night I thought I making progress catching up with myself. But then, just like how people speed up and sprint away from the catcher when the catcher is near to catching them, I found myself even further from what I was catching. Or in my case, finding.

I'd be really really really lucky if I catch up with that 'me' that sprinted away. I'm too fat, my bones are too weak and I've no confidence that I can run after and catch myself. Hopefully, someone with a car or maybe even a bicycle, can give me a ride.

But anyway, while my alter ego is miles away taunting at me to go catch her, I'm glad I was able to stop awhile and chat with my bestfriends along the way. I'll just tire out that alter ego of mine for abit, and maybe wait for her to come to me and tell me what she wants.

For now, I'm tired, I slept at 3.45 am so now I am going back to sleep. Goodnight.

March 2.
6.34pm.

I thought I had a very nice day out with myself today, until I reached home and realised that I sent my original O Level Certificate, my secondary school report book, my original transcripts from NYP, and a check of $150 , to the wrong address. Please please pray that the reciever of the mail is kind enough to send it back to me, and not steal my money and throw away my documents, instead. I am such a dumbass.

On a happier note, I caught a movie today! It's been a year since I last went movie-ing alone, the last time I went I caught 'Take the Lead' at Sun Plaza's deserted theatres. I was supposed to go movie-ing alone last August but things cropped up and I ended up giving my ticket away to some Yishun Town basketballer who I barely knew, I told her to give it away to anyone who was interested in watching the movie. So yeah, after a year of not going to the movies alone, I went today! I love watching movies alone, it makes me happy somehow.

That's the movie I caught. It's a true story about this man who fought to abolish slavery in Britain(i think) in the 1800s. Taught me a thing or two about life (: And lead actor Ioan Gruffudd's cute (: Heh. Was so happy after watching the movie, I treated myself to Starbucks and even got my siblings donuts!

March 2.
10.08am.



Time to clear my hard drive and do a little bit of upgrading.



martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr martyr

I'm off to take a holiday, I'm gonna go play catching with myself. Hopefully I'll still be fit enough to run around. I'll be back when I catch myself, or when I get tired and surrender as a loser.

one more time,
martyr.

March 1
11pm.

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

My favorite song last June.

-

Apparently, the reason was my incompetence, and there wasn't a need to explain because there wasn't a status then. And also apparently, after a few weeks I was just given another chance. And after so long of wondering, the reason's so simple but yet so hard to tell me? I wonder why.

--

Time out for me.