it's been awhile since i've had the opportunity to do little sweet things to someone. today, i had two chances, and i made two different girls, both who i've just come to know yesterday, smile extra wide (i think i just couldn't resist looking at their pretty teeth with braces).

the first attempt of being sweet ended up with the cafeteria almost getting burned down. thanks to tim's quick moves, we only had to settle with a clam-chowder-mixed-with-ashes-and-burnt-styrofoam splattered floor, instead of a burnt down cafeteria. nevertheless, it was the thought that counted and i got to see her light up (for a few minutes) after i bought a cup of $1.75 instant noodles so that she could throw the noodles away and use the cup to heat up her instant clam chowder (which she very much wanted to eat for lunch, but her bowl broke and she had nothing to heat the chowder in). if not for the ancient microwave ovens that they have in school (trust me, those ovens date back to the 70s,) she would have been a very happy girl for the remaining of the day.

the second opportunity turned out much cooler (hahaha no fire and totally under the pouring rain). i walked my friend down the hill all the way to her car under the pouring rain so that she wouldn't be the only one looking wet and being umbrella-less. we took our time and had a great conversation while the wind blew our hoodies off our heads and rain poured. she offered to give me a ride, but i decided i'd take a nice long walk in the rain (the car park was not on the way to my bus stop).

guess i'm starting to find my way around the girls at school. but hey, that doesn't mean anything because my heart's sold, and i only have one heart (:

you'd be serena van der woodsen, the It girl of upper east end manhattan; and i'd be dan humphrey from the other side of the train tracks. you're everything and more that every girl could ever wish for themselves to be, i'm just a nameless face in the crowds of people from your class. you attract any and every person that you want to be drawn toward you, (i've fallen victim for that) and here i am crazy with my head filled with thoughts of you, wishing you'd know me by name one day. you could be serena, and i would be dan, and we'd make it together; just like they did.



my weakest attempt ever, to explain the situation i'm in and the feelings that i encounter so strongly each day.
too much gossip girl.

Statistics class is the most boring class ever! Half the class already dropped the subject, I'm just glad Jason decided to sign up yesterday and join me today. I swear, the class is ridiculous, I sit in the lab for two hours playing sudoku and giggling with my seatmates at the teacher.

Oh, I think I'm gonna be needing a new bestfriend soon. A bestfriend named coffee, make that an expresso (double). 7am to 6pm classes? Seriously why did I ever sign myself up for this?! I should stop bumping into Young after class too..trips to the carpark for smokes is b.a.d.

what's the use of having bank accounts that can't wire money out of the country?! pissing me off...plus the fact that i have to read a book titled "Becoming a Critical Thinker: A User Friendly Manual." user friendly my ass, and how does reading a dumb book make someone a critical thinker. stupid claims.

so... lets critically think through Operation ND. Is it worth it making OND happen? pros and cons... hmm. (tough luck if you thought i was going to reveal OND to you)
hmmm critically thought out, there are no cons, it's all worth it! (yeah right wuiz, you don't know what trouble you're getting yourself into)

Operation ND (Not Dumb).
I hope I plan and execute it well.
Now all I need is an accomplice....

so.... first day of school wasn't so bad, well actually i'm only halfway through but its pretty good so far. morning classes seem to go by pretty quick and i'm home right now waiting for my six hour break to finish. math 152 seems alright, my only complaint for now is that everyone's pretty much caucasian (or like more to the white bloods...) i guess i'm pretty much sure i'm sticking to myself in that class. english was relieving because my previous english classmates were there, plus i'm having the same professor i had last sem. i'm hoping math 159 later on at 5pm turns out better than my earlier math class.

anyways, i'm off to catch some sleep. i've been up since 3am (pretty rewarding though cause i got to talk to someone very special hehe) and my body's starting to shut down.

oh did i mention that i already have two tests on the 6th Feb (next Wednesday)? hmm wow.

sprained knee. can't walk properly. school tomorrow. argh.

omg i finally saw anum! thank god she's back and alive! i was getting pretty worried that something bad must have happened to her during her trip back to pakistan where suicide bombers are plenty and political riots were happening at the moment. phew, what a relief, i thought i wasn't gonna see her in english and bio classes and that she'd be the first person i knew personally to have perished. omg choy!!

omg i cannot believe that i actually have friends that i could bump into, here in the states.

9
1 13
19 15
3 18 1 26 25
6 15 18
25 15 21!!

chatlogs can totally make my day. it's been made like a million and one times over already in just one day! :D :D :D :D :D

____: answer all my questions k?
wuiz: sure (doesn't mean i'll answer the correct answer)
____: grrrr
wuiz: hehe
____: :(
wuiz: :D
wuiz: hey you.... it's late! go sleeeeeeeep, i care for you ok.
____: i wont
____: until you answer my questions
____: right answers
wuiz: hmm okok
____: promise?
wuiz: like i said, i'll be nice today...... i promise (:
____: hahahah k
____: what's your hp number?
wuiz: OMG
____: err do you even have a hp?
wuiz: hahahahahha
____: AHAHAHAHHA
____: shit i feel so retarded asking you
____: you make me feel so shy

hahahhahahahhahaha ohmygoddddddddddddddddd

650 bucks on books this semester. never in the past year have i had my wallet THIS empty. i'm so tempted to withdraw money but i cannot afford to take a single cent out of my account; it's depressing receiving emails and finding a decrease in your amount of savings. sigh, i need to find a job at school.

on a lighter note, i dropped by lorenzo's place to meet baby! the cute little kitty got sick and just came back from the vet. oh, and of course, i felt so at home with his mom and sister, they're so welcoming and loveable, i always feel good after chatting with them. oh! and i came out to lorenzo too. okay, more like he asked me cause he kinda saw my orientation at myspace. bleahhhh....totally supportive though, i kinda showed who was who - the people i dated, the people who liked me, and the person i like. i think he kinda noticed how i got all dreamy-eyed and smiley when the ipod scrolled to your picture. he's totally cool with it (i hope) and he says he's supportive. glad for that!

headed to michael's school to watch his game after that. been to all his games so far, and i'm pretty proud of myself and my brother because he actually wants me to be there watching him. plus i'm getting to know all his team mates. today was a friendly match with his school's girls team for a change, funniest game of theirs i've watched! kinda weird seeing my brother play against the girls, you see, my brother plays center and this cute girl that he likes plays center too. hella cute seeing them match off against each other. cute. hahahah. kids....

another asian drama down.
on second thoughts, i wouldn't mind sharing a tear with you.

there's so much i want to tell you, i just don't know how when and where. i don't even know if i should.

i didn't even notice that i wrote about you all the way back in june.

i think i like you

and its funny because i see you everywhere i go, but you aren't even here. and your voice keeps playing over and over in my head.

sweeeeeeeeeet.

(then again, my superego is telling me that its wrong)

it started wayyyyyy before last year though.
if you only knew

-

in other news, school's starting in three days and i'm like O-M-G scared over math (two of them!) and basically all my other classes. i cannot cannot CANNOT ruin my grades once again, ever.

International student orientation yesterday. went down to help promote ICS, but we ended up helping with the whole event and taking part in the mini-conference (me being part of the panel of speakers).

Pretty rewarding event though, I made friends with people from Nepal, Dubai, a guy who moved from Chicago, a lot of Vietnamese guys (hahaha they were so thankful that I brought them around school for mini-tour they shook my hands many times after that) and of course, the students from China, Hongkong, and Korea. Oh, and I made a friend from the Philippines too!

Only thing I think I can complain about is that fact that they served pizza. And I ate 4 slices. I had a semi-flat tummy before the event, the pizza inflated it, like alot. Plus the weather was a bitch. My hands were near to being frozen.

Tiring event, I got home ate dinner, washed up, and slept at 8.

Today I got up early because _________.
Was able to have myself breakfast (and disgusting fresh milk) before the sun came up! I feel like heading to SF because I need a new bag. But SF just for a new bag is a big joke, I'll end up spending all my money on random things that I buy on impulse. Guess SF can wait till I'm sure I have enough money to get back to Singapore first (hahahah more like what, end of the year?!)

you're the leading lady in the pictures that play in my head.

my emotions have been repressed and suppressed numerous times hoping that they'd stay hidden in my unconscious mind, lost in all the bad things that my defense mechanisms protect me from.

"i don't love you i don't love you i don't love you i don't even like you i don't like you i don't like you you're just a friend a friend JUST a friend" - suppression at its best.

tired i am, trying to deny my feelings and forcing myself to believe what is not true. tired i am, wishing that someone would walk up to me and blow me away; fooling myself that i actually feel something for random people that i meet. tired i am, most of all, hiding my true feelings.

it is true how unconscious thoughts express themselves in different ways. clawing out of the pithole of unconscious thought, trying to trigger effect on us. oh the intricate way our minds work... indeed, the unconscious are never entirely gone. dreams, the scariest of dreams. three days in a row now, all my hidden emotions expressing themselves fully in the form of dreams. how i long for them to just turn real. (impossible, but i can't help but long...) how i see insignificant things around me and i suddenly i think of you. how, when people ask me whether there's anyone, my heart starts beating and i can hear your name echo-ing inside me.

no matter how much i know the impossibility of us, today, i am going to let my feelings out. no longer am i imprisoning them; i'm going to set them free and let them rightfully take over me. if hurt it is that i am to get, then hurt it will be. but i will not allow myself to deny the emotions, and you, anymore. my emotions are part of me, and i will live with them actively affecting me, from now on.

Five things:

1. Step-grandparents flying over to stay with us for a month starting tomorrow.
2. Hate the bedframe because the bed is so high now I think if I fell of my bed I'd break some bones. Plus it made my already small room look even smaller. I'm not even going to talk about footboards. Urgh.
3. No more space for workouts in my room.
4. I just gained the all the flab I lost last week, back.
5. My brother is away at a sleepover and I'm so jealous that he's having sleepovers when he's a BOY and I can't because I've got no friends here I can sleepover with. Oh and I forgot, I'm grounded for life.

booooo.

7am on a saturday and you already made my day!
spongebob too of course.
you silly girl (:

i'm gonna find myself a surgeon to marry! free liposuction, free face lift, free gender reassessment surgery, free plastic/cosmetic surgery!

SO OUT OF MYSELF TODAY

first, i woke up and had this sudden NEED to go to the mall to window shop.

second, i reached the mall and i had the urge to buy SCARVES.

third, i ended up buying myself a violet tanktop (wtf?!), some stretchy (elastic?) tight fitting black long-sleeved ribbed shirt, and black and white polo tee. (note: i don't normally buy tank tops, stetchy clothes, and clothes that are black in color.)

i thought i was done with my impulsive and unexplainable behavior, but then i walked into converse and bought myself two pairs of chuck tailors. (since when did i ever like converse shoes zomg?!!)

it didn't end there because i found myself paying for a pack of marlboro smooth menthols, which i later packed and opened and smoked half a stick before chucking the whole pack and the remaining half a stick into the bin.

worst of all, while i was smoking the pathetic stick that i wasn't even supposed to be smoking at all, two cute girls came up to me and told me that i had a cute shirt and cute hair. and this is the first time in my whole life where i couldn't or wasn't able (i don't know if i couldn't, or wasn't able, you decide) to act cool and entertain them. i fucking mumbled a "thank you" and some words which i myself am not aware of till now, and i swear i would have preferred to just die there and then. so after hearing me mumble to myself, the two girls decided to sit beside me at the bus depot and carry on with their own conversations because they sensed that i had nothing else to say. and stupid me made it even more awkward by asking their names, and they did. and after that i had nothing to say already. and i never felt so damn awkward in my life.

its a bad day today. it would get better if i find kathy at myspace :D
but no luck, i've been searching pages and pages of kathy's/cathy's for the past two hours now.
arghhh its definitely a bad day.