DAY 359

Wow. Has it been that long already? Add six days and we hit our one-year mark. One year knowing each other; a year of me liking, longing, courting, loving, and wanting you to be mine. I feels surreal. It seems like only yesterday that I met you at the graduation party where Kuya Reggie was joking about how I was his new "jowa", and you asking me if I was fifteen years old. It seems like only yesterday that we started exchanging wall posts on Facebook (because comment boxes still didn't exist back then). It seems like yesterday you were leaving for the Philippines and here I was having emotions that surprised me because I have never fallen for someone so quick and so hard. It seems like yesterday how I had that sudden and necessary urge to drive to your place just to see you before your flight to the Philippines, because I didn't want to be someone you connected with for just a few days and lost contact with just because I didn't make a strong enough impression for you to remember me when you came back. Those everyday chats while you were in the Philippines; the day you came back to California and I was the first person to see you walk out of the airport; our days before I left for Davis; those days where I was so shy I even had to ask you for permission to hug you; September 18 - our first kiss; my weekly Thursday return to you in Davis - all those memories, they seem like just yesterday.

I can't believe we're hitting that one year already. So much has happened - good and bad - but oh my God, look at us today! We're still going strong baby :) It felt like yesterday, that I fell in love with you. Well, everyday for me feels like that. Every waking morning I have, I wake up with a smile on my face (the very same smile I had when I first realized that I had a huge liking for you) because I realize that you are in my life and I want you to love me. Then I think about you and all the wonderful things about you - and there I go, I fall in love all over again :)

I seriously cannot believe that we're hitting that one year mark already. I know it isn't an anniversary because we aren't together, but it is a big deal to me. It is a measure of time, but not just any ordinary time, it is a measure of time that I have been liking and loving you.

Amazing. Don't you think so? :)

You were trying to surprise me with your entry last night by ignoring me on the phone; little did you know that I was doing the very same thing on the other side of the line. Just that I was still talking to you even though it appeared as if I was talking to no one :))

Sneaky. I like :)

I wish my two days spent with you this week never had to end; I could live my every days just doing the things we do, with you by my side. We could go out to somewhere random and act like tourists, taking pictures together at the most random places because they're the only places we'd find somewhere to rest my camera on (don't worry, i'll try to get us a tripod ;D). We could eat at old diners and order more food than we could finish, and stay up late cuddling and falling asleep to free movies on your computer. We could do anything and we'd have fun, anything at all as long as you're with me :)

Didn't your heart soar when we walked down Old Sactown hand in hand amongst all the people? Mine did :) I felt so happy and proud strolling downtown with your hand in mine despite everyone around us. The heat didn't even bother me, all I cared about and knew was that I was so full of joy having my pretty baby by my side to spend another Thursdate with me! I'm so thankful that you still came to visit me despite everything baby. I'm so very thankful and happy that you did.

Lunchtime came, and I had fun at the Shack with you. They gave us a handicap table and we looked as if we were little kids sitting by a normal sized table. I bet everyone who walked past us was jealous, I saw the smiles on their faces when they saw us trying to take pictures and acting silly in front of the camera (and even when the camera was off since it was time to eat). You wouldn't imagine the joy I felt inside; I felt like a little kid on top of the world! It's as if I received the best gift in the world and I was showing it off to the world :) You're a gift to me, baby. The bestest one that I've ever gotten!

I enjoyed our nights together, and now I'm missing them. How we're so comfortable with each other now :) Just laying in bed together watching movies, heading out past midnight for some snacks, sleeping in till it's almost noon - all of which I want to spend my life doing with you :) How about armpit hair plucking? Hehehehe :))

Watching you enjoy your chicken at Max's warmed me up inside too :) It made me so happy seeing you being happy over your food :) I love that smile of yours baby! :*

How could I forget you booking us both an appointment to have a massage?! I wish you were in the same room as me while we were having our massages :)) You would have witnessed and laughed at how clueless I was and how awkward it was to have me take my clothes of. Having you in the same room would have made me feel more comfortable baby :)) But thanks for the unforgettable experience :)) I think I'll just stick to massages from my mom. Or you :D

Baby, I wish you were still here. It feels like my weekend is over, with you being back home and me having to face only my books now. I miss you so much baby. I wish I could be with you every day already; I can't wait for those days to come. Baby, I'm really thankful for these days we spent together. I fell in love with you all over again, it's made me realize how much more love I have for you. These two days, they've given me another glimpse of the future. The future I want to live with you in my life :) Happily, comfortably, and most importantly, together :) I love you.

I miss you so much.

I wish I could be at your side right now. We'd be caught in an embrace while you rested your head on my shoulder, and I have my arms curled into a hug to keep you near to me. We'd lie in bed comfortably just watching tv, with stolen glances at each others' faces and sudden kisses to each others' lips and cheeks once in awhile.

That would make my night. Not my stupid pictures of book pages -.-
I miss you.

-
Oh there's gonna be some up and downs,
But with you to wrap my arms around, I'm fine.

So baby, hold on tight.
Don't let go.
Hold on to the love we're makin',
'Cause baby when the ground starts shakin'
you gotta know, when you got a good thing.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not... excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Something for me to ponder about when I'm bored lol.

-

You're at the post office right now and I'm talking to you! :D
I missssss youuuuu!

...I don't want to leave you, and I won't ever leave.

I didn't even want to leave you awhile ago. I'm sorry if it seemed like I did though; that all I was waiting for, was for the clock to strike 10 so that I could leave and not see you till Thursday. That wasn't how it was at all. If you were me, you would have felt the dread and the lonely feeling creeping in on me again as the clock did its 360 degree turn, minute by minute, approaching 10. I just wanted to sit there with you, forgetting about the time, not caring if the clock went past 12 or even 2, like it used to do back in the day where we spent most of our nights sitting out in my car just listening to songs and enjoying each others' company. I wanted all that, I missed all that.

As I was sitting there, in my car by the curb, I looked up at the sky, at the streetlamp - it reminded me of our nights together on that street. I had a sudden flashback of the end of the year days of 2009. Of nights filled with songs from either yours or my iPod, us singing along to a random song that came on, fogged up windows and backseat fun. I missed all that, but the memory of them all made me smile to myself secretly as I traveled back in time for that brief minute. You were in my arms, caught in a hug, while I looked up. It was a happy moment :)

I'm sorry again, I had to be back home early. To be honest, I wanted to get home before my mom headed to bed. I wanted to hug her and kiss her goodnight before she got to her room to turn in for the night. I know I'm still going to see her before I leave in the morning, but I just missed her too. I'm sorry it was the reason I had to leave you so soon. This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't leaving before 8 tomorrow morning. I'd have enough time to hug her and all if I was leaving at 3pm like I normally do on Sundays.

I love you Jackie Nomat. I'm glad we resolved our argument today. It would kill me if we didn't, and I had to go back to Davis tomorrow with us being mad at each other. I love you so much baby, I hope today marks the last of our fights.

and as i sat in my car watching the light in your room flicker on, i started missing you all over again.

Thursday, I'm waiting for you once again.

Never:

- got together.
- got to meet my dad and stepmom.
- will be able to go to the philippines together.
- will be able to watch all the movies we planned to watch together.
- will Fridays be the same again.
- gonna pig out the same way we did.
- had a chance to spend Valentines day with you.
- will I get a chance to do all the things I planned to do for you.

Time for change again.

That was from January 16 this year.

I guess I made that list too soon, because they may WILL (and ARE) actually come true! All that and so much more! :) EXCITEDDDDDDDD! :) :) :) :) :)

It's been a long time since I've been here, but from way back then till now, not much has changed, I still love you a lot, and I still dream of the day that we'd officially be together :)

-
You're on the other side of the phone line right now. It's your off day and you slept all morning. I didn't think you'd be sleeping again with me while I rested during my break, but look at you, you're fast asleep and not responding to me while I "baby, baby, babyyyyy" you on the phone :)) It's cute and it's funny, and I love how small things like this about you bring smiles to my face.

I wish I was there with you. I can't wait for Thursday again.

If I pretend to be happy I'll
only be fooling myself
'cause here in my heart I
know that I'm dying
And it's tearing me apart

Those words don't really describe what I'm feeling. No I'm not pretending to be happy, nor am I fooling myself, or am I even dying inside. The song where the lyrics are derived from isn't relating to my situation or whatsoever.

But those particular words from those lines come to mind.

Someday we'll know.

How much are you willing to sacrifice?

I'd go all the way.

Change(s).
-

Country songs... It's been awhile since I spent my nights with you, tonight I'm all yours.

I hate Saturday night goodbyes. Or goodbyes with you, in general.

That awful feeling that sinks into my gut whenever I start turning at the intersection into your subdivision; it grows and grows as the minutes tick, the thought of spending the next six days without your presence creeping into my conscious mind. The crushing feeling I feel when my car has stopped moving and we're parked at your drive way trying to figure out how to part ways.

I hate leaving. I especially hate it now. Now that I have five days to go through at school, instead of just four. Now that you're working, and returning back to school soon. Now that we'll be so busy with our obligations in life, and that the free time we do have will be spent resting and replenishing energy.

Things are definitely changing. We don't get to talk to each other as often, we can't text or reply to each other promply any time of the day anymore. We don't even get to spend as much time together when I'm home on the weekend. Not that I'm complaining, but this is something new. I don't mind not being able to talk often or text, or even see you, I don't mind at all. But it doesn't mean I wouldn't feel sad time and again whenever missing you starts to become overwhelming.

I wish I could try to understand why I have a car, and that I only live an hour and a half away on the weekdays, yet I only see you two days out of the week. I wish I could regain part of my old self that existed back in Singapore. The part which didn't mind commuting more than an hour every day back and forth just to be some place to meet the people I missed. Sigh.

I'm not even making sense here anymore. I just wish I didn't have to drive to Davis anymore. I just want to stay in Fremont.

I miss you. Terribly.

I don't want to be back at Davis :(
And now that I'm actually back, it's sucking big time. My bicycle got stolen, now I'm going to have to walk around campus everyday, to and fro from classes. And I don't even have music to accompany me during my walks no thanks to the fucker who broke into my car and stole my iPod.

Classes start tomorrow already :(

2010 - This is supposed to be our year. The year where we build lots of happy memories together everywhere we might go. The year where we get closer together. The year where we'll be happier than any of the other year's we've ever lived. 2010, this is the year I'm going to ask you to be mine.

I love you Jackie, and I can't bear to lose you. Please work things out with me?

Bad start to the year. But I'm determined not to let that be the case for my entire year.

I'm tired of always being blamed for starting our arguments. For having to try and make up, only for things to get worse. It hurts how you think I'm always starting the fights, how you think I don't want to solve them, when all I want for them is to end. It hurts even more how you tell me to try and understand things from your point of view, when you don't even try to consider how I feel on my side.

I'm not looking for someone to fight with. And if that's all we're going to end up doing, then I'd rather not be part of it.

The first hour of 2010 hasn't even gone by and here I am already feeling shitty. And the folks would rather I be stuck in my room on my own rather than going out for a few hours just celebrating with some friends. It's not that I didn't spend my whole day with them, it's not like I'm going to be out the whole day tomorrow. What's the fucking point, when they're just going to bed anyway?

I hope they realize that I'm trying my best to balance my time with them and my time with friends as well as I can. It's hard enough being away from everyone I love when I'm away at Davis. I wish they realized how down I've been coming home only to have everyone doing their own things, and stepdad being immature. I hope they realize that I've been missing them a whole lot too.

I leave on Sunday. I know I haven't spent enough time with my family. The same goes with my friends. But fuck, they're off to bed now, and they can't even let me go out to greet my friends for the brand new year. Arghhhhhh.

I know I'm growing old and I'm supposed to be cherishing these times with my family because sooner or later I'd be missing them when I'll be leading my own life with my own family, but they also have to realize that I'm growing older and that they won't have so much control over me anymore soon. I hate it when my sister guilt trips me with her remarks, because they honestly, hurt very much.

Crap, I should stop.
My first entry of 2010 and it's already fucked up.

I wish destinations never had to arrive whenever you and I are in the car together. I could drive all night just having you by my side, with the iPod playing beautiful songs we could sing to each other.

I've never felt so complete.

The End.