One day I'm going to make up for all the hurt that I've put you through. I'm going to show you the real depth of how much I love and am still in love with you.

And despite all the ups and downs, the downs especially, the love I have for you doesn't waver. I still love you like I first loved you, I still love you like how I always loved you. I still love you and I still stay true.

Because honestly, there's no one in the world that I want to love, other than you.

Happy 4th Monthsary, sweetheart. I love you so much.

Someone just got herself an iPhone 4, which means, I get to have her old iPhone! :D :D :D :D Win-win situation :)

My babe's having her MOGO fix. Without me.
That sucks. I miss my baby. I miss having my MOGO fix WITH my baby. I miss MOGO.

but definitely not as much as I miss my baby who's happily having her MOGO fix! Kidnap the truck and bring it to Davis please? :D

Just kidding. Just bring yourself here, I'll be the happiest fat kid in the world! :D

I'm here waiting for you to end work so that I can call you and hear your voice and talk to you till the end of the day. And you're thinking that I don't want to talk to you, but I definitely definitely definitely want to! :D

You're my stress buster, the creator of my smiles, the generator of my laughter. You are my source of happiness. So why oh why wouldn't I want to talk to you at the end of the day? :D

Come out already. I miss you so much.




CAN'T WAIIIIIT!

I wish you could appreciate me for the things that I do, instead of faulting me for the things that I don't.
Because the things I do have already happened; And that things I don't, hasn't happened yet. You want an extra spice? You have to learn not to expect it..

And I told myself that this week was going to be just happy...
But of course, two has to clap hands for it to happen.

"What I'm feeling for you isn't just some transient feeling that would just disappear when I wake up one random day. It isn't the temporary crush I get on random people that would only be replaced when another comes along. It isn't anywhere near that, the depth of what I feel for you surpasses all of those shallow feelings; it's real, very real."

You claim that I'm not sweet anymore, that I used to but not these days. How do you define sweetness my love? How was it that I used to be sweet before but I'm nowhere being sweet these days? Because I've been near to being consistent to being myself ever since I got to know you. You may have thought I was sweet before because I wrote how I felt about you in here. But isn't that merely putting into words the things that I'm feeling for you? If that's how you define being sweet, is it not what I do whenever I text you, when I send you a message and tell you what I feel about you. Aren't the two things similar although through different mediums?

I know I don't write here as much as I used to do one year ago. But one year ago, we didn't communicate much through text messaging either. What I could have written here, they've all been put into words and transmitted over the phone. What I feel for you, they've all been sent to you personally instead of writing them in here for you to come read.

You claim that I'm not sweet anymore. Maybe I was never sweet in the first place :(

Maybe my sweetness cannot reach the level of sweetness you're needing. Or maybe what I define as sweet may be different from what your definition may be. But I try. I just don't know the effort that you're looking for :(
-

It's funny though, that after all that has happened, those feelings that I had since August last year, are still true. After the separation, and the countless of fights we've been having; after all the times of feeling hopeless and not knowing how to move forward, after all the letdowns and the hurtful words - nothing has been strong enough to reach the depth of my loving for you. Not one of those has lessened that pool of love I have for you that is so deeply rooted in me. Nothing has polluted it. I still love you the same way I did the first day it dawned on me that not only liked you, but loved you as well. Nothing.

Currently playing Step Up 3's soundtrack on replay. I really wished you were watching the movie with me. Hopefully you'd let me watch it with you.

I miss you so much.
4 days to get through; it seems like I haven't seen and spoken to you since forever.

I wish I was around.
That way:

- I'd be around to drive you where ever you want, no matter how far, at any time of the day.
- you wouldn't have to be worrying about your car, or about not having one, or about having to get money/loan in order to get a new car.
- that, and many other reasons that could help us get better in our relationship.

The struggles of being far apart.
Sigh. I'm not giving up. I can't give up on you.
I don't ever want to.

We're fighting because you think I don't appreciate how much you care about my education which I care about too :(

I wanted to surprise you at work today before I headed back to Davis, but you got me first. Nonetheless, it was really nice seeing you on a Sunday (even though you were in the middle of work and I only got to sit beside you while you ate lunch with Jiezel). I wish I could be around to drop you lunch or a snack every day that you were working. Work's being a big B for you right now, and the least I could do is give your pretty face a little smile, even just for awhile, when you see me visiting you with lunch in my hand. If only I lived closer...

Last week at the fair with you, that was super duper fun! Although its a far cry from Disneyland which I've been wanting to go to with you for the past months, I still had a really good time that evening at the fair with you. I love doing such things with you, going to such places. I don't know why, but I think that if I was an observer of us from afar, I'd think we're pretty sweet. Like old couples :) I want things to remain like that with you and me. The feeling of being out with you somewhere and just feeling sweet about us. What gluttons we were, eating and eating and eating :)) I wish I could have gotten you a piglet though; the way you lit up and got so happy just seeing those baby piglets... it made me smile to myself knowing that you were really happy.

I'm trying to save up for our Disneyland trip. I really hope it pulls through real soon. I want to give you a magical experience while you're with me :) I wanna see that smile of yours that brightens up your whole face when you get to experience Disneyland. Lets hope I land myself a job soon, I can't wait for Disneyland already!
-

You're sleeping right now. I'm supposed to be sleeping too but I just felt like coming here to write for awhile since I'm missing you so much and I can't sleep (yet). I'm gonna stop now though and join you :) Please don't be mad at me?

Older, fatter (me), further apart;
But one thing stays constant,
my love for you.

DAY 359

Wow. Has it been that long already? Add six days and we hit our one-year mark. One year knowing each other; a year of me liking, longing, courting, loving, and wanting you to be mine. I feels surreal. It seems like only yesterday that I met you at the graduation party where Kuya Reggie was joking about how I was his new "jowa", and you asking me if I was fifteen years old. It seems like only yesterday that we started exchanging wall posts on Facebook (because comment boxes still didn't exist back then). It seems like yesterday you were leaving for the Philippines and here I was having emotions that surprised me because I have never fallen for someone so quick and so hard. It seems like yesterday how I had that sudden and necessary urge to drive to your place just to see you before your flight to the Philippines, because I didn't want to be someone you connected with for just a few days and lost contact with just because I didn't make a strong enough impression for you to remember me when you came back. Those everyday chats while you were in the Philippines; the day you came back to California and I was the first person to see you walk out of the airport; our days before I left for Davis; those days where I was so shy I even had to ask you for permission to hug you; September 18 - our first kiss; my weekly Thursday return to you in Davis - all those memories, they seem like just yesterday.

I can't believe we're hitting that one year already. So much has happened - good and bad - but oh my God, look at us today! We're still going strong baby :) It felt like yesterday, that I fell in love with you. Well, everyday for me feels like that. Every waking morning I have, I wake up with a smile on my face (the very same smile I had when I first realized that I had a huge liking for you) because I realize that you are in my life and I want you to love me. Then I think about you and all the wonderful things about you - and there I go, I fall in love all over again :)

I seriously cannot believe that we're hitting that one year mark already. I know it isn't an anniversary because we aren't together, but it is a big deal to me. It is a measure of time, but not just any ordinary time, it is a measure of time that I have been liking and loving you.

Amazing. Don't you think so? :)

You were trying to surprise me with your entry last night by ignoring me on the phone; little did you know that I was doing the very same thing on the other side of the line. Just that I was still talking to you even though it appeared as if I was talking to no one :))

Sneaky. I like :)

I wish my two days spent with you this week never had to end; I could live my every days just doing the things we do, with you by my side. We could go out to somewhere random and act like tourists, taking pictures together at the most random places because they're the only places we'd find somewhere to rest my camera on (don't worry, i'll try to get us a tripod ;D). We could eat at old diners and order more food than we could finish, and stay up late cuddling and falling asleep to free movies on your computer. We could do anything and we'd have fun, anything at all as long as you're with me :)

Didn't your heart soar when we walked down Old Sactown hand in hand amongst all the people? Mine did :) I felt so happy and proud strolling downtown with your hand in mine despite everyone around us. The heat didn't even bother me, all I cared about and knew was that I was so full of joy having my pretty baby by my side to spend another Thursdate with me! I'm so thankful that you still came to visit me despite everything baby. I'm so very thankful and happy that you did.

Lunchtime came, and I had fun at the Shack with you. They gave us a handicap table and we looked as if we were little kids sitting by a normal sized table. I bet everyone who walked past us was jealous, I saw the smiles on their faces when they saw us trying to take pictures and acting silly in front of the camera (and even when the camera was off since it was time to eat). You wouldn't imagine the joy I felt inside; I felt like a little kid on top of the world! It's as if I received the best gift in the world and I was showing it off to the world :) You're a gift to me, baby. The bestest one that I've ever gotten!

I enjoyed our nights together, and now I'm missing them. How we're so comfortable with each other now :) Just laying in bed together watching movies, heading out past midnight for some snacks, sleeping in till it's almost noon - all of which I want to spend my life doing with you :) How about armpit hair plucking? Hehehehe :))

Watching you enjoy your chicken at Max's warmed me up inside too :) It made me so happy seeing you being happy over your food :) I love that smile of yours baby! :*

How could I forget you booking us both an appointment to have a massage?! I wish you were in the same room as me while we were having our massages :)) You would have witnessed and laughed at how clueless I was and how awkward it was to have me take my clothes of. Having you in the same room would have made me feel more comfortable baby :)) But thanks for the unforgettable experience :)) I think I'll just stick to massages from my mom. Or you :D

Baby, I wish you were still here. It feels like my weekend is over, with you being back home and me having to face only my books now. I miss you so much baby. I wish I could be with you every day already; I can't wait for those days to come. Baby, I'm really thankful for these days we spent together. I fell in love with you all over again, it's made me realize how much more love I have for you. These two days, they've given me another glimpse of the future. The future I want to live with you in my life :) Happily, comfortably, and most importantly, together :) I love you.

I miss you so much.

I wish I could be at your side right now. We'd be caught in an embrace while you rested your head on my shoulder, and I have my arms curled into a hug to keep you near to me. We'd lie in bed comfortably just watching tv, with stolen glances at each others' faces and sudden kisses to each others' lips and cheeks once in awhile.

That would make my night. Not my stupid pictures of book pages -.-
I miss you.

-
Oh there's gonna be some up and downs,
But with you to wrap my arms around, I'm fine.

So baby, hold on tight.
Don't let go.
Hold on to the love we're makin',
'Cause baby when the ground starts shakin'
you gotta know, when you got a good thing.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not... excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Something for me to ponder about when I'm bored lol.

-

You're at the post office right now and I'm talking to you! :D
I missssss youuuuu!

...I don't want to leave you, and I won't ever leave.

I didn't even want to leave you awhile ago. I'm sorry if it seemed like I did though; that all I was waiting for, was for the clock to strike 10 so that I could leave and not see you till Thursday. That wasn't how it was at all. If you were me, you would have felt the dread and the lonely feeling creeping in on me again as the clock did its 360 degree turn, minute by minute, approaching 10. I just wanted to sit there with you, forgetting about the time, not caring if the clock went past 12 or even 2, like it used to do back in the day where we spent most of our nights sitting out in my car just listening to songs and enjoying each others' company. I wanted all that, I missed all that.

As I was sitting there, in my car by the curb, I looked up at the sky, at the streetlamp - it reminded me of our nights together on that street. I had a sudden flashback of the end of the year days of 2009. Of nights filled with songs from either yours or my iPod, us singing along to a random song that came on, fogged up windows and backseat fun. I missed all that, but the memory of them all made me smile to myself secretly as I traveled back in time for that brief minute. You were in my arms, caught in a hug, while I looked up. It was a happy moment :)

I'm sorry again, I had to be back home early. To be honest, I wanted to get home before my mom headed to bed. I wanted to hug her and kiss her goodnight before she got to her room to turn in for the night. I know I'm still going to see her before I leave in the morning, but I just missed her too. I'm sorry it was the reason I had to leave you so soon. This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't leaving before 8 tomorrow morning. I'd have enough time to hug her and all if I was leaving at 3pm like I normally do on Sundays.

I love you Jackie Nomat. I'm glad we resolved our argument today. It would kill me if we didn't, and I had to go back to Davis tomorrow with us being mad at each other. I love you so much baby, I hope today marks the last of our fights.

and as i sat in my car watching the light in your room flicker on, i started missing you all over again.

Thursday, I'm waiting for you once again.