I'm having this urge to buy a 215 dollar ticket for a three day electric/techno event in Las Vegas. It's on the first week of Summer School for the weekend, and I could use a getaway and a dusk to dawn experience at a electric/techno event! Wow, that's a lot of firsts in that! Hmm. Must decide soon so that tickets won't run out!

Where can I stay though? :/

Blurb done! Cut that part of and sent :)

Now all I have to worry about now is my f-ing 12 page paper, my midterm, and how I'm gonna go about getting to know this person better.

I had to send a blurb for FilGrad so that it could be printed on the program, but they sent it back saying that it had to be on the 400 word limit and I have 150 words in excess. I didn't know what to cut out. But I think I know now....

"You have been part of (most of) my two years in Davis, & you know most of the ups & downs that’s gone on. You’ve been my listening ear; the one who takes all my complaints and whining. You are my motivator, though most of the time it’d appear as if I don’t listen. You are the cook, to all the delicious dishes prepared for me; & you are the love that’s kept me going from day to day, & week to week. Thank you & I love you. This is for you, Jackie."

Oh well. Someone's gotta do what someone's gotta do.

-

In other news, something happened right before I started Clinical Psych today. It caught me off guard, and was totally unbelievable. I had to consider taking a picture of it, but I decided that it was really real. But seriously, it made up for the very shitty morning I had. I don't know if everything that's happened today was planned, but as of now, I'm pretty happy. And excited :D This week I've been contemplating on pressing THAT button for awhile, and thinking that if I click it, I might regret it after, so I didn't. But look here, I totally don't have to, because someone else pressed that button instead and I am spared from all the possible things that could have happened. I feel like that step, just took out all the awkwardness, and I'm ready for some good shit to happen :)

Turned my heart to stone.

This relationship reminds me of another one I've had in the past. And what did I do, I left, cut and burned pictures, and never went back.

I guess we know where this is going, too :)

Just that, it'd be easier cuz I know people know. And there's that one person that caught my eye this week. Hmm.

Since I've decided that meeting new people is good for me at this point of life, I have decided (with some persuasion from my classmates) to attend Gay Prom. It's the perfect timing, right after all my hectic days filled with midterms, papers, and exams. Thursday night, I shall be stopping by to make some new friends, and to also get in touch with that gay side of me.

I've been wanting to attend APIQ meetings since I got here in Davis, but I never really had the chance to do so, with meetings being held on Thursdays. Maybe going would be a good experience. I never know what might be in store for me.

And even if it sucks, I'll probably drive over to Sac to check out their nightlife.

Sounds like my Thursday this week is planned! :)

I really feel that I need a new life. With new people.

Things for me to consider:

Maybe I should revert back to a normal cellphone instead of a smart phone. Having Facebook, and everything else, in the palm of my hands takes up too much of my time. It keeps me out of touch with reality, and I really should be living life to its fullest right now.

After finals, I should take that plastic bag filled with books outside my car's trunk, and read. ALL of them.

Save up for Singapore and the Philippines because I am approaching my 5th year anniversary and I NEED to go back and get in touch with my friends.

Summer = school, exercise, fun :D

I'm gonna take some time off my studying to breakdown this email that I just read. It's not to insult, to hurt, or to do anything negative. As a matter of fact, it's to help breakdown all the misunderstandings that are still lingering in the air, which may be able to help you with your future relationships/life next time. (Red fonts are my thoughts to what you've written...)

Dear Louise,

 I know you will ignore this email. I know you think that this is nonsense but I just
want to tell you everything.Since this is the only way to shout out my feelings
about what's happening. First of all, I am sorry.
I didn't expect things to happen like this. I was being selfish about my feelings...
I'm sorry if you thought I was being defensive for your cry of help.
But I know that when I left the states we are okay. 
I know we were okay when you left, but that didn't mean that things were perfect
between us. I was looking forward to your trip to Manila so that I could try to
revive things between us by being sweet to you just like I was to you before.
However, that whole thing failed because you didn't realize what I was trying
to do, and you failed to reciprocate and give us a chance, like how I was
giving us a chance.THAT led me to lose hope, because I knew we ALREADY
weren't going well and my being sweet to you was my way of TRYING to fix
things between us two.
Yes it may not be like 2009 because maybe I can't contact you as much as
before. But that shouldn't stop you or me from loving one another.
Yes, you may not have been able to contact me as much as before,
but I wouldn't have minded if we were okay, and you were acknowledging
my missing you, and trying to be sweet to you. But you didn't. The times that
we were able to talk, I barely got an "i miss you" or an "i love you".
Simple things like those could have gone a long way. But instead, you'd rather
be mad at me for not being able to receive the messages that I have been
sending that you weren't able to receive. And that hurt - it hurt not only because
you'd rather get mad at me, but it hurt because you didn't think that there could
be something wrong with our communication systems. Instead, you found it
easier to get mad at me right away instead of believing that there was something
wrong with our messaging.
I'm sorry if you felt that way.. I'm sorry if I made you feel battling alone. I'm sorry if I
made you feel like that.. :( Everytime we fight about something which we shouldn't
be fighting about, or something that we've fought about a lot of times before,
I FEEL ALONE.
I know I kept saying sorry but I really am truly sorry. And I won't give up showing
how much sorry I am. Siguro this is my karma na when I left you before.
Here you go with karma again. I know you keep putting the blame on yourself,
drowning in self-pity and such. But get this straight, I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU A
LONG TIME AGO. So please quit thinking that, because that mindset only sets you
back further and prevents you from thinking rationally. I do not get mad at you now,
or I am not being like this towards you now because of what happened at the beginning
of LAST YEAR. I get mad at you for things that occur right before I get mad at you.
I broke up with you because we are not working out anymore and I am no longer happy.
I have forgiven you for that long time ago, so please FORGIVE YOURSELF TOO.
And it hurts so bad it hurts when you want to try to save your relationship but you feel like
there's nothing you can do... Louise, with all my sincerity I am sorry. And I can prove to
you that. Can you really prove to me that? Because words are easy to say, but actions are
hard to do. When you want to say you are sorry, it means you are ACKNOWLEDGING
your wrongs, and ACTIVELY working towards changing yourself for the better in order to stop
doing wrong. THIS is one of the reasons I have given up. Time and time again when we fight,
you say you're sorry, you say you won't be like that anymore. But you NEVER keep to your word
of proving to me that what you said would be done. And I have lost that belief in you.
When I get back, I assure you that I will be the best that you want me to be. I will do
whatever you want...I will do everything to make you happy and I will not do any single thing
that would hurt you... I would rather you not do that anymore, I really have no more hope in us.
It's such a cloudy thought and I don't see how we can be happy anymore.
 
Second of all, the pictures. Yes it may seem that I am trying to make you feel jealous.
But it's really nothing. Were you really not trying to make me jealous? Through your check
in and your pictures? Not that I got jealous despite what people say that I'm probably
just jealous that's why I reacted. It ISN'T nothing. I say that because, it's something that can ruin
peoples' impressions of you. Let's see if you'll be able to understand this, and I really hope you
will, because its FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. I got turned off and disgusted because you were
posting pictures of you in the club, sitting in the arms of this guy. Yes I know this guy is your family
friend. BUT does my other friends who are in your Facebook friends list know that? WHAT IF,
they went on to think, "Oh, isn't Jackie together with Louise? And now she's in Manila, drinking in
the club sitting so close to a guy?" Isn't that a bad thought, Jackie? Yes it is. It's a bad thought
that can potentially destroy your image of yourself. You say that's how things are there in
the Philippines. Are you trying to say that it is socially acceptable for a person in a relationship
to be sitting so close to another, and putting it up in public to show so many pairs of eyes that
can judge? I hope you're getting what I just typed....
The whole night I was there, I was thinking of you. I was just trying to enjoy. But that doesn't
that you slipped away from my mind. So the whole night you were in there, in his arms, you
were thinking of me? Were you thinking what might I be thinking if I was in the same club as you
and I saw you sitting by him like that? Does enjoying also mean that you've lost your brains to
think logically? I may not have slipped off your mind, but everything else did...including the part
where you didn't know how I would think or feel seeing you acting like that...
I'm sorry if I got mad by texting you those things. I was just so sad because we had to be like that.
It's not your fault... I'm glad you texted me those things; it really did show your intentions. Your
intentions of seeking attention and trying to make me feel bitter? Sorry, didn't work.

 
It hurts so much right now that we're like this. I don't want to lose hope.
Take all the time you need. I will be taking my time too but that doesn't mean that I'll be doing stupid
things here. I hope that you'd still open your heart. I am ready for a new relationship.
I don't know if I can still do this. I don't even think we can have a new relationship together anymore. 
I am ready to make you feel whole again. I am ready to make a  new life with you Louise...

 
Please take me back... I love you so much. I won't stop thinking about you. All day everyday.

I'm so happy my ultimate messaged me yesterday; just hearing from her made everything so much better :) Plus, she's happy and I'm going to share her joy and be happy for myself too - whatever the situation is.

Jena,
We have so much to catch up on. It's been more than a year since we've had a real conversation, yet I am looking forward to hearing from you so that we can renew this friendship of ours and fill each other in on our lives. I know you're watching out for me (a.k.a those Singapore flags I see on my counter :D) and though we don't talk, you try to keep up with me through my tweets and fb. I can't wait to cyberdate with you! Miss you so much and I hope I get to see you soon!

I am strong and I can do this. There are too many reasons as to why I do not have to get back with you anymore.

When will this heartache end?

Jealous of happy couples -.- :((

A love of a lifetime that never could and will reach its destination....

Sigh.

My drive home to Fremont today was - emotional. I played my ipod for the first time without skipping a song, and I got to hear a lot of songs plays. I sang along to all of them. There was one song though, the title's insignificant because it wasn't about the song at all, but while the song was playing, I started crying. I guess everything's just really overwhelming me. I've been thinking...

It's got me thinking of us way back then, getting to know you while you were in the Philippines. It's got me thinking about us now. And it's got me thinking about everything else.

Fact is, I miss those days. I seriously miss how every little thing back then used to make me smile, how even the smallest and even most insignificant thing you'd say to me would make my day. I miss them to the sickest point, because those days were PERFECT. Even without much work. I miss those time's that I'd be waiting by the computer for you, i miss how when i see you post a new picture, my heart beats and a smile grows on my face without me even noticing it.

I miss those days because everything's different now. I hate how even if the circumstances and the patterns of our lives, our obligations and responsibilities, have changed, we couldn't seem to keep one thing constant - our love. I miss how I'm missing you right now, but I doubt that you'd notice.

It sucks that I'm trying so hard to bring us back to how we used to be, but it seems like no matter what I'd do, I'd have to try a bajillion times harder than the effort I've given before to show you how much you mean to me. YOU mean the goddamn world to me. (but I don't think you see it...)

That ride home's got me thinking of all the couples I see and know. Those couples who've been together for 9 years or so, or even just 3 or 4. You see, whenever I'm around them, I observe. And despite them being together for all those years, it's as if they've only known each other - how they talk to each other, how they act, how they share a little joke with each other and share those little smiles of theirs. When I observe, I feel jealous. I yearn for a relationship like that. I yearn for a relationship of years that seem as if they've started just yesterday. I yearn for that soft and cute relationship, that relationship where when you look into each others' eyes in the midst of everyone around you, it makes you smile. Where conversations bring about smiles to each others' faces. I yearn for all those. I love you so much, and I yearn for all those, for us.

We used to be that. Back in the day. Back in the beginning. And I'm trying me best to bring those days back.

But it seems as if too much has changed, and that thought is so far away.

All I can do now is look at other couples and share their joy. Sigh.

I got to talk to my babe today! :D I'm so glad you told me to call, I was waiting for you all afternoon (morning on your side) but I guess you weren't able to fix your phone or your internet yet. Those 20 minutes, despite the bad reception, made my day :)

Hopefully technology becomes your friend again soon so that we'd be in touch better.

In other news, today was a pretty uneventful day after my classes. Was supposed to go looking for slacks and blazers but I guess I got lazy. Guess I'll have to get up early tomorrow to do all those :/

It's almost 5pm on your side of the world; I'd like to be thinking that you weren't able to find any means of contacting me since you landed... Nonetheless, I hope you're already enjoying your time there.

It's almost 2am here. It's (or was) Thursday night but we decided not to go out to the bars. We're saving fun for Saturday's banquet. Which I haven't found clothes to wear for, btw. Maybe I'll be go out again tomorrow to try and look for something. As for now, I need to go to bed. Need to wake up tomorrow and start my day off being a research participant.

Goodnight.

I'm still waiting for you to come talk to me...

The good examples I set for you, as well as the advices I give, always seem to go unseen or unheard. Yet you want to call my attention to me skipping classes for a class that isn't worth going to class for.

Here we are, on our first day apart, and instead of keeping things civil - and even agreeing on not fighting for the whole month - here we are again. Go on, being yourself Jackie. Maybe I am really not a good example for you. Maybe what you're looking for is someone who will tolerate all of those negative sides of you. Maybe what you're looking for is someone who goes to class but who doesn't damn well know how to handle herself in a proper manner. You preach so much about skipping class, yet never take what I say about your life and your attitude into considerations.

If that's how you want it, then sure. I don't need another mom to act like that. HAVE FUN IN THE PHILIPPINES.

Go on and break me.